Saturday, June 2, 2012

my dearest sons.

Cody & Sawyer,

I want you to know that no matter what happens, no matter how hard it is, no matter how I lose my patience, no matter what it comes down to: you two are the light of my life.

Every day I feel as though I'm failing you.  I feel like I'm not going to do a good enough job.  I feel like I'm barely treading water & I feel like the two of you are here just to annoy me.  I feel like all the wants & hopes & all I ever wanted for you is never going to happen.

I know that the two of you are beyond well loved.  I know that you're healthy, smart, funny, cute, interesting, & amazing.  I know that in the grand scheme of things, you are perfectly happy.  You play constantly, you tell me & your daddy about your day, you laugh, smile, giggle, & find joy in things that we've long since forgotten as adults.

In short, you are two perfectly normal, perfectly awesome kids.

So when I lose my patience, when I yell or sometimes spank or put you in timeouts or do something that takes that light in your eyes away, I'm truly sorry.  I promise you that I'm going to do EVERYTHING in my power to stop.  I'm going to try my hardest to be positive.  I'm going to show you, every day, how very much I love you & how very much you mean to me.  I'm going to PLAY with you more.  I'm going to read "just one more book" because I know that those moments are fleeting.

I'm going to stop feeling guilty about your life so that all I see is fault in how we're raising you.  I'm going to take advantage of the little time that I do get with you & I'm going to cherish your little minds for all that they are.

I'm going to try my hardest to remember that when you're upset it's not because you're trying to make me mad.  I'm going to try to remember that you being upset is probably because you're frustrated or tired or confused- & me yelling or getting angry is only making it worse.

I'm going to say I'm sorry.  A lot.  Because I know I'll forget all the promises I make.  But please, in all you do, remember that I love you.  God gave me you two because he knew how very badly me & your daddy needed you.  He gave me you two because he trusted me & your daddy to love you & care for you & provide for you & with any luck, guide you two to be even more amazing than you already are.

But more than anything, I'm going to do everything I can to be the best mom in the world, because I love you so very much, from the bottom of my heart.

Cody Travis & Sawyer William, thank you for showing me every day how important it is to be your mom.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to see where I'm failing you so that I can try again tomorrow.  & thank you for loving me no matter what.  I promise you that your dad & I will do our very best.  For the rest of your lives.

I love you so very much,
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