Wednesday, August 29, 2012

boy oh boy.

It's been days, weeks, months, ages since I've blogged.  I'll spare the apologies since no one really reads this anyway, & if you do you're likely a family member or friend who stays abreast of my information via facebook or some other social media route.  I've thought about writing every single day though & to be honest, I'd truly like to make more of an effort to make that happen.  Not for you, for me.

I've long wanted to write a book.  I intend to one day & I figure the best way to prep myself for that undertaking is to actually write.  As much as I'd like to do it the old-fashioned way, with pen & paper, this is more realistic.

I'll pass on the general updates of the MILLIONS of things that have happened in the last few months.  Well, I'll give a quick but brief overview:  Tony left for school two months ago.  I started working full time at a medical office here in Cheyenne.  I was baptized in June.  The boys are awesome.  Tony got his wings & we're moving to Florida next year.  I'm still in the reserves & I'd kill to be back in the Navy full time.  Moving on.

Tony will be home sometime tomorrow. He left two months ago this past Sunday.  As excited as I am to have our family back in one piece, & as much as this may hurt his feelings if he reads this, I'm also dreading it, too.  Not in the conventional sense.  I have missed him.  I've missed our family as one unit.  I've missed the silly, ridiculous things he says.  I have not missed his snoring.  Aside from that, I've missed him very much.  But.

But I've found in these last few months I'm more of ME then I have been in a few years.  In NO way do I blame him for losing myself.  It's just life.  It's evolving, things are changing, & so am I.  The boys & I have settled into a routine, I've become more self confident & more capable.  My ability to handle the boys has tripled since there was no choice in the matter.  I've continued to lose weight, I've become more comfortable with myself, & in general I just feel pretty good.

I'm not sure that it really had anything to do with Tony being gone, or if it's just that I've reached that point in my life where I've realized that I need to make myself a priority.  During his absence I did my two weeks of yearly Active Duty time & during it, I learned a lot.  Not a lot about the Navy or my job, or anything military related for that matter (the truth is I didn't work very hard at all).  But I had time with other Navy people, made a few friends, & realized just how very much I miss it.  I missed the camaraderie, the crass & crude jokes, the bond that brings us together simply because of a set of orders & a uniform.

All of these connections crashed into the other, combined with that ache in my heart for the military & its lifestyle, until I'd reached my breaking point.  I have a good civilian job.  It pays the bills, the people are nice, but it's not me.  So I've made a decision that may or may not adversely affect our family, but I believe that in the end it will be a good thing & be better for us.  When we move to Florida, I'm going to be putting in a package to become a recruiter.  It's a three-year, non deployable billet, which would ultimately be a good thing since right now I could deploy at any time.

I know it will be hard work.  I know that.  But you know what?  So is a crappy civilian job with low pay.  So is being a stay at home mom to two very rambunctious boys.  So is anything, in reality.

"Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goals: my strength lies solely in my tenacity."
Louis Pasteur

So from this point, I will be tenacious.  I will pursue the things that matter to me, throw caution to the wind.  I fully intend to continue to raise my boys in the best way I can, but I will take care of myself in the process.  I will do everything I can to continue to strengthen my marriage, but I will take care of myself in the process.  I will continue to give everything I've got to the people I love, but I will take care of myself in the process.

At this point, I'm SUPER excited to see Tony tomorrow.  I think him leaving has been good for us both.  He learned so much & I'm so very proud of him.  He's done amazingly well & has been assigned an aircraft that he is so excited about- he's like a kid on Christmas morning when he talks about it.  I think the separation has made our marriage stronger because we've both learned things about the other & ourselves when we weren't together.

From where I stand, I can only see two things: onward & upward.  I see good things.  
See I can see good things for you and I
Yeah, good things for you
Give I can give love and attention
Give I can give all time away
Only to one heart I can give today.
'Good Things' by the Bodeans
& because I want to continue to torture myself with song lyrics (what's better than a song?), I'll add this too:
Live a life less ordinary
Live a life extraordinary with me
Live a life less sedentary
Live a life evolutionary with me
'Life Less Ordinary' by Carbon Leaf
Today, let's be less ordinary. I challenge you & me to do something. Let's find something we love & for the love of God, let's DO IT.

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