Thursday, December 19, 2013

Duck Dynasty & the mess following...

Ah, Duck Dynasty.

I'm going to end my over-five-month hiatus on this blog with my opinion.

I like Duck Dynasty.  I think it's funny, honest, & I love seeing the family praying at the end of every show.  In the world of reality-dominated television, it's refreshing to see Christian people.  It's refreshing to see these dudes (& gals) going about their redneckery (yes, I said it) in a way that makes me giggle.

I like that they've all been married for ages & they're quick to point out their flaws & also willing to be silly.  I love how Ms. Kay puts up with Phil & has done so for fifty something years.

I hate most shows on tv these days.  We don't watch much aside from Disney Jr. & random stuff like Gold Rush & Ghost Mine.  I don't like where our country is headed, how everyone is afraid to say what they think & everything they do say gets taken in, chewed up, changed completely, swallowed, then regurgitated to be something even MORE different, then spit up.

I hate that someone like Phil from Duck Dynasty says what HE THINKS & the world goes crazy.  Who cares what he thinks?  It's HIS opinion, not yours.  So A&E pulls the plug because they don't want to show a show of a Christian man with his beliefs.  Yet an Atheist can complain about Christmas decorations & everyone will be quick to take them down.

Anyone that knows me, even a little, knows that I am a Christian.  In the last 4 years & some change I've come to have an amazing, very personal relationship with Jesus.  I have friends that are Atheists & I still love them regardless of their beliefs.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am an AVID supporter of gay people.

It may not make sense to Christians OR Atheists, but it makes sense to me.

You see, one of my very best friends is gay.  She is an AMAZING woman.  In my heart I know that it's not some "condition" or a "choice."  I know it has nothing to do with how she was raised (in a loving, supportive home where her two sisters are straight).  I know it doesn't make sense to some.  But in my heart of hearts, I KNOW that my God wouldn't create this amazing person to condemn her later for her lifestyle.  & that's my opnion.  I believe that her & her partner may very well see God's Glory & his home one day.

Knowing her has completely changed my outlook on the gay/lesbian community.  I knew her before I started my journey with Christ so my love for her has stuck throughout my love for Christ.  I guess I'm one of those crazy Christians that loves everyone.  I pray for our President even though I almost never agree with anything he's done.  I pray for our country & our leaders & the things that affect all of us.  I pray for the people that are victims of crimes.  I don't agree with gun control in the way it's being done.  I'm a gun toting, America loving girl.  & I'm proud of it.  I almost never comment on people's posts about these things because half the time, I think it's pointless.  People aren't going to change their opinion & everyone is now of the opinion that THEY are right.  They won't listen to other opinions because they don't want to see the other side.  Some see our country in a downward spiral, some think it's on its way up.  Very few actually want to do something about it.

Sure, some will have a problem with my opnion.  I know what the bible says about it, but I don't agree.  It doesn't change my love for God or my opnion on the bible or my thoughts on the rest of the bible.  & if they don't agree, it's ok.  I'll still love the people that do OR don't.

All these Christians are posting all over Facebook about how they're siding with Phil, banning A&E, & causing an uproar about how what he said was right.  Well, it was right for him, I assume.  & while I've not seen too many posts about how they think he's the bad guy (I guess most of my friends are redneck Christians, lol), I'm sure there are plenty.

But is this the way of the Christian?  What ever happened to "hate the sin, not the sinner?"  What ever happened to loving EVERYONE?  Isn't our job as a so-called Christian to be like Jesus?  You're not doing a very good job if you're talking bad about everyone involved.

In this holiday season, wouldn't it be better to just put the crap aside?  Do something for someone less fortunate.  Take the opportunity to shut your mouth & listen.  Be thankful for the family you've got, the friends you're lucky enough to have.  Pay attention to things.  Be the bigger person.  Apologize first.  Don't be selfish.

& for once, GET OVER YOURSELF.  Love people, regardless of their opinion.  The beauty of being human is that we get to have opnions.  Right or wrong.  Just accept it.

& don't get offended when someone says, "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Kwanza" or "Happy Holidays."

Just love for once.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

"You've got your hands full"

Ugh.  Just typing that phrase pisses me off.  I think whomever came up with that was an idiot.  Full hands or not, it's stupid.  It's borderline rude, even when said in kindness.

Someone said it to me as Jovi, the boys & I exited the elevator at the children's museum.  The cashier at Walmart said it the other day as we checked out.  I've probably heard it five or six times since I left Wyoming.  I'm not sure why I always feel the need to explain that Jovi isn't my daughter, because I respect people who can parent that many kids, but either way, I DO have my hands full.  & hearing you say it irritates me because you look at me, with three kiddos nearby & another in my belly, like I'm doing too much.  I'm overdoing it.  Polluting the population or maybe I just can't keep my legs shut?

It's none of your business, guy in the elevator.  What I should have said to you was, "& you don't, as you wrestle your two boys standing DIRECTLY in front of the elevator & your son who pushed Sawyer out of the way?"  Teach your children some manners.

It's none of your business, cashier at Walmart.  I know you're trying to make pleasant conversation, but I got a much better feeling from the woman near the clearance bakery items who told me, "you have beautiful children."  That time, I didn't bother to correct her on Jovi not being my child.  So what if I DO have my hands FULL?

I have my hands full of love.

Sometimes it's holding a dirty diaper, a toy, a sippy cup, or, much to their dismay, a hand as we cross a crowded parking lot.  But the really special times they are full?

It's holding the hand of a scared boy or a boy who just wants to sit with his momma, even though he's a "big boy" at 4.  Sometimes, it's holding the squirming legs of a 2 year old who is trying to "escape" as he's being tickled.  It's carrying plates of food & not getting to take a single bite of your food until after it's cold because someone needs a napkin or more water or he dropped his spoon or fed half his meal to the dogs & you have to get him more.

It's knowing that no matter how much they fight me or each other, drive me crazy or having me sobbing with frustration, at night before I go to bed, I look at both of them asleep in their beds & my heart swells with pride & joy.  Because those boys were a GIFT to me from MY GOD.

So I've gotten better when I hear that phrase, that instead of rolling my eyes or immediately jumping to explain myself, to say, "Yes, I'm very blessed."

Because I am.

& I do have my hands full.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Everything But the Girl.

They're not just a band that I love.  A band that I was introduced to through him, the man I like to pretend never existed.  To this day, when I mention past loves or past boyfriends, I don't mention him.  It's like there's a spot in my life that never really happened & the only reason I'm (sort of) putting pen to paper about it now is because writing about all these past loves is super cleansing- at least, it has been so far.

It all started with an email.  Probably a joke here or there, or a request for some dental supply that only I could procure.  At the time, I was the Supply Petty Officer for the largest Navy dental clinic in the Northwest.  I was stationed in Bangor, WA.  He was also stationed there but worked at a different clinic.  He worked admin for the command.

He was married.  I knew this from the beginning but he fed me a string of lies that I so desperately wanted to believe & in my young mind, although I knew the truth, I refused to see it.

I was 22 years old.  He was (if I remember correctly) 31.  He was on his second marriage & he already had two children from two different wives.  He told me he was legally separated.  I pretended I believed it.

He could write the most beautiful letters.  Poetic, lengthy, that made me feel SO incredibly good.  For a girl with a low self esteem, he lifted me up in ways I've not seen since until I understood REAL love years later & the love I have now for Tony & our children & most importantly, Jesus.

He'd come to my office from Bremerton & sneak to the back of the supply room & kiss me.  We talked music at length & he helped me discover bands like EBTG, Chris Isaak, & Jack Johnson.

We ended up living together.  I gave him my entire world, traded myself for secrecy to all my friends & quite possibly missed out on a number of awesome opportunities for lasting friendships or career enhancers.  I forgot who I was so that I could receive love from him, or something that I thought was love.

He was one of the first dental technicians in the Navy to be chosen for the hospital corpsman IDC program.  It was a big deal & he was headed to San Diego for school.  I went with him on the trip, a beautiful trip down the coast that also showed me where he grew up.  I thought so much that he & I were going to last forever.  I'm sure I knew better.

My few family & friends that knew tried to warn me.  They told me that it was silly, that the last thing my young heart needed was this incredibly damaging relationship.  I didn't listen.

The one thing aside from music that he provided me was the strength to apply to be a Master at Arms.  I had been increasingly unhappy as a dental tech & I knew I needed a change.  Being an MA offered something new & exciting (or so I thought).  He pushed me to route my package & once it was approved, I headed to San Diego for school (& to be near him!).

We'd spend our weekends together, staying in hotels & doing things together.  It was always very hush hush & I was always sworn to silence when he called his "ex" wife & kids.  He promised that just as soon as school was over, or this & that changed, or a thousand other things happened, we'd be free to be us & we'd be able to be together for real.

When it came time for orders, I was given two options:  a year in Korea or two years in Japan.  I asked him what I should do.  He told me to choose Japan since he had a better chance of getting there, too.

So I received orders to Sasebo, Japan, & never dreamed that he & I wouldn't FIND A WAY to make it work.

But hearts are fickle & we change our minds often, don't we?  Especially when distance interferes & threatens safety & the hope you cling to.

Shortly after I got to Japan, I'd like to say I saw the light.  I'm not sure if that was truly the case or if I'd just been tired of living like I'd been living for the last year & a half.  Maybe my heart hurt & I was done.

I ended our relationship.  I cried hysterically as I did so, thinking that not ever in a million years would I find someone even half as good as him & I knew I was destined to live alone for the rest of my days.

Looking back, I only remember bits & pieces.  I remember how I thought he was lifting me up & making me stronger when in reality, he was pushing me down.  He never physically hurt me & he wasn't emotionally abusive, but his demeanor & his way had a way of making me hide myself.  I tried hard to act like I was so much more mature & so much older & be exactly who he wanted me to be instead of myself.

It only took about ten or so years, but NOW as I'm writing this, I can see that up until him, & even for a long time after him, in relationships I was quick to put the guy first & not take care of myself.  Even now I find myself doing that- only in my current life it's give & take.  I'm married.  & not in the kind of way he was.  I value my marriage & I know that sometimes I'll have to give up some of me for the better of my family.  & so will Tony.

So I guess I learned something from him.  Well, maybe a few things.
1.  When you meet Chris Isaak, it's perfectly acceptable to NOT remember your name so he can sign your t-shirt.  Meanwhile, your jerk boyfriend will roll his eyes & spell your name for Mr. Isaak- thereby giving you a chance to stare at the good looking man drawing a heart next to his signature.

2.  Married men are NEVER an option for a relationship.  Prior to my new(ish) relationship with Christ, I'd done a few things I wasn't too proud of.  This is one of them.
3.  It's true what they say about not being able to make someone else happy until you make yourself happy.  It took me YEARS to figure this out.
4.  A 22 year old has NO business being with a 30 something year old man.  True story.

I have no idea what happened to him, & I can't say I care.  I'm BEYOND thankful that it didn't manifest into something more, like he & I stayed together or I couldn't get over it.  I'm also thankful for the life I found in Japan, because it led me to where I am now.

Ballsy Brandis.

I walked up to him at Beaches, a club everyone went to after the pub on Tuesdays, a.k.a. "Pound Night."  I said something super classy like, "come talk to me before you get too drunk."

I knew I had a crush on him & I'm not sure if we'd ever had more than one or two conversations but I knew there was something about him.

He was so cute with his dark hair & glasses, seemed incredibly funny & sweet.

So at some point in the evening, he sought me out.  I told him that I liked him & wanted to get to know him better.

We left the club early, he took me to my room, & we talked for a good three hours.  Couldn't tell you what we talked about but I remember I ran out of cigarettes & he kept giving me his.  When he left I closed the door & grinned, because I knew he was special.

In true cute boy fashion, he knocked on my door about a minute later, handed me a cigarette & said, "one for posterity?"

I'm not sure at what point we became "us" but we did.  We became a couple in every sense of the word.  We loved each other very much.  He told me things he'd never told a soul, & I couldn't imagine it ever being better.

We took professional pictures together, for goodness sakes'.  He bought me a promise ring & when we found out I was getting orders to Washington, he got as close as he could to there with his orders- San Diego.

He left before me.  He would send me these beautiful cards & letters in different colors talking about how much he loved me & how great our lives would be together.

Within probably two months of him leaving I became interested in someone else.  Someone insignificant, doesn't even earn a blog post in this story.  I broke it off with him for someone else, instead of giving love a chance.

He even came to visit me in Washington & I treated him like a friend.  Didn't give him what he wanted, needed, or deserved.

I should have.  For years I wondered about him & wished things had been different.  We were so good together, you see.  If we hadn't have been separated, we probably would have lasted.

About 4 years ago we met up on facebook & I'm happy to see that he's married now with two super cute kids.  He seems to have a good life & I'm really thankful for that.  He told me that I showed him what love really was & that he wasn't bitter over any of it.  I'm happy to hear it, I truly am.  Because I know for every heart I ever broke, I had mine broken in a worse, more painful way.  But isn't every broken heart painful?  Doesn't matter how it's broken.  Just that it is.

I'm thankful for the healer of time & the way things are supposed to play out.  All of these heartbreaks, pain, misery, & nonsense set me up for the life I was supposed to have.

Friday, June 28, 2013


guess where we live now?!?!

FLORIDA.  After a four month detour to Texas, we've made it to our final destination for the next few years (I hope).

It's beautiful here.  The sand is white, the sea is clear, our rental house is about 8 miles from the beach, at the entrance to the beach is an authentic snoball stand, we have a HUGE backyard, a huge house, & aside from my Lion King hair thanks to the humidity, everything is perfect.

Except it's not.  It has mass potential.  Truly.  If had friends, my furniture, & most importantly, my HUSBAND, things would be pretty stinking spectacular.

Everyone here is very nice.  The boys seem to be adjusting (relatively) well to our new life & the dogs haven't done much since their three day excursion in Texas so I'm guessing they like it (they love barking at the squirrel that keeps knocking down our homemade bird feeder).

But I am lonely.  L-O-N-E-L-Y.  All by myself, without friends, has taken its toll on me already.  Probably because I didn't have friends (or get to see the ones I do often, anyway) in Texas, so essentially I'm going on 5 months of being friendless.  This isn't to say that I haven't been in touch with friends or haven't seen them briefly when they rolled through town or whatever.  But there's a difference between seeing someone for two days then being all alone & having friends nearby to lean on or help.

The boys & my little sister Jovi provide good entertainment.  But not being able to grocery shop or breathe or have ten minutes to myself or even pee alone has taken its toll.  The last year of doing it ALL ALONE (with the exception of that month & a half where Tony was home) has taken its toll.

I know the next six or so years will be like this with Tony's new job.  I know that I can handle it because I've been doing it all alone & we're all still alive at the end of the day.  But man does it stink sometimes!

I joined a lot of groups on facebook for the area so I'm hoping it'll slowly put me in touch with people.  I also JUST found out about twenty minutes ago that the Airman & Family Readiness Center provides 20 hours of FREE childcare to those PCSing so I can go to a few doctors appointments without trying to pull a babysitter out of my back pocket.

I guess that's all for now.  I'm in the process of trying to find a good church, a good preschool for Cody for the fall, & some friends.  It's not a lot or anything. ;)

I'll try my best to get back on the blogging bandwagon.  It's not like I'm busy establishing a household or anything... haha!

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

I'm Sorry.

Those two words are so easy to say.  Often we choose not to say them, assuming that we're in the right or that the other person won't forgive us so what's the point?

& another time to say it is the absolute worst: when we don't mean it.

I've told the boys more than once that I'm sorry.  At the time I certainly mean it, but I continue to repeat the same mistakes, which means I'm probably not as sorry as I think I am.

Today my sweet friend Tiffany posted this blog post on facebook.  It was probably 15 minutes after Tony & I had a conversation about where (I feel) I'm failing as a mother.  As I stood near a tree, watching the boys play with the hose for the millionth time after a million times of telling them not to, tears streaming down my face (for the second time today)- I looked up & thought, "it's just water."

We're all failing in some places.  Where someone reads a blog post & cries about the things they don't do or the things they do & where they feel they fall short.  How we're all less than perfect & how parenting is hard, yo.  Some moms yell too much, some moms ignore, some moms hide in closets & cry, some moms eat until they get sick because they have nothing else to turn to, some moms do it ALL by themselves with no help.  Some moms seem to have it all together but deep down, they're falling apart just like the rest of us.  You know what?  I've done ALL of the things I just mentioned.

~I have friends who take the Orange Rhino Challenge & I feel like they're Supermom, where I've compared myself a million times to them & wondered WHY I can't just be an awesome mom like her.
~I have friends who post these amazing pictures of their children doing super fun things & I think, "why don't I have the patience to do that too?"
~I have friends whose children are all in school so while the kids are gone, they do whatever they feel like doing, & leisurely enjoy their day.
~I have friends who have no routine with their kids but their kids are calm, consistently listen, & don't run around all crazy.
~I have friends who do this & that & even more...
~the list goes on.

& yet, at the end of the day, we're all just doing our best, aren't we?

So, I just want to say I'm sorry.  I'm sorry to my boys for yelling when they are doing typical kid stuff.  I'm sorry when I look at them playing with a water hose & instead of smiling & seeing them giggle when one splashes the other I see a mess to clean up.  I'm sorry that I only see us living in a home that feels like glass because it's not childproofed my way therefore I'm watching them like a hawk every second because God forbid something that isn't ours gets broken. I'm sorry that I try so hard to make everyone around me happy that I don't focus on what is important- watching my 4 & 2 year old BE 4 & 2.  I'm sorry that I feel like I'm being pulled in twenty different directions & therefore I take out my frustrations on two amazing little boys who are really just trying to survive the same crap I'm working through- sharing a room with their mom, living under someone else's roof with different rules, being away from their daddy, & not knowing half the things we usually know.

I'm so very sorry.  I hope that I can remember next time I see them playing where they shouldn't that this is only temporary.  Three weeks from tomorrow we'll be driving to Florida to start our new life there with our own home & our own set of rules.

I'm sure it will still be hard.  There will still be times I yell or get frustrated.  But I hope I can remember that the things they get into are just that- things.  The things that aren't important.

Because you know what's important?  Remembering that time is fleeting & in light of what's happened with Kristie, the Boston marathon, the plant in West, Texas, & the tornadoes in Oklahoma- you just never know.

So what's important to me today?  Remembering that it's just water.  & remembering that these two little boys are so very special & I need to work more on taking care of them AND me, & not worry so much about the world around us & making others happy.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

'The Worst Part (Of a Broken Heart)'

Once I got to England, I discovered how vicious & ridiculous military boys could be.  The base I was at was incredibly small, & the boys swarmed after the new girls like flies.  I mean, it was pitiful.  I got there in August, & by October, I'd met the first person who would really & truly rip my heart out & stomp on it.

He was older than me.  4 years I think?  He'd been in England for awhile, & he played guitar.  He was in a little band with some of the other guys there & I thought he was amazing.

Now that I look back on it, I can't remember many details of our relationship.  He was the first boy I gave myself completely to.

We only dated for like six months.  It felt like so much longer & I spent every waking moment thinking of him.  He (being older & douchier) probably didn't have the same love for me, having been more experienced & just being different.

I guess it got to be too much for him.  We were always together, we practically lived in each other's barracks rooms (in the barracks there you could do whatever you wanted- there was no place to sign in, you could smoke in your room, etc.) & were always together.

Apparently I was too sarcastic for him, too blunt, too much of a bitch, too outspoken, etc.  One night we went to the NAF (the English bar on base) with a group of friends & were (seemingly) having a good time.  I guess we weren't, because afterwards we went back to my room & laying on my bed in the dark, he broke up with me.  Let out this big sigh & I'm like, "what's wrong?"  He said, "you don't want to know."  "Of course I want to know, I wouldn't have asked if I didn't." "I don't think this is going to work out."  

I sat there, stunned.  I gathered what was left of my pride, put out my cigarette, & said, "I think you should leave."

For months after that, I was the most pitiful girl you can imagine.  I cried my way through work most days- once or twice the dentist I worked for even sent me home because I was crying so hard I couldn't hand him instruments.  I was a far cry from the "tough" girl people see now.  I cried myself to sleep every night, wrote him letters about how we were meant to be, showed up at this door practically begging him to take me back, until finally, my granny called me one night & said, "let this be the last night you cry over that boy."

It was.  

I have no idea what ever happened to him.  I have no hard feelings & I certainly am not bitter over the ending of our relationship- it was YEARS ago.  I guess in a way I'm thankful for him for showing me how bad it could really be- I'm not sure my heart was ever broken that badly again.

& then I did the heartbreaking when I started dating a truly great guy afterwards.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

the song that's moving mountains in my life.

the song I can't stop listening to.

I think it's a sign.

You really should listen to it.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013


It's been one month since my beautiful sister-in-law was killed in a tragic bus accident. If you haven't heard about it or don't know the story, read about it herehere, & here.

If you want to donate to my awesome nephew's scholarship fund you can do so here.

I've been wondering, praying, & debating if I should even post about her because I'm not sure my pitiful excuse for "writing" will do her justice.

The first time I met Kristie, I liked her.  Those of you who really know me know that I don't really like people, haha.  I was drawn to Tony's family from the first instant I met them, especially when they welcomed me with open arms almost immediately after he broke up with his ex-fiance.

I said when I was in Baltimore for Kristie's funeral that there probably wasn't a single person out in the world that had a bad thing to say about her.  I can name at least ten people, right now, that don't like me.  Kristie was different.

Kristie shined.  She lit up a room with a stunning personality & beauty & wit to match.  She didn't drink yet she was always the life of the party.  She made people feel at home & always knew the right thing to say to just about anyone.

She gave willingly of herself & the first time I met her, she was quick to tell me that she could see a difference in her brother since he'd started dating me.  Considering Tony & I were together about .2 seconds before he moved in & we got engaged, I laughed it off.  When his mom told me the same thing, I listened.

Something about the Trionfo family drew me in.  They are a force to be reckoned with, a gang of sorts that sticks together through thick & thin.  Kristie was a huge part of the puzzle that is the family.  She would make you laugh or say something so outrageous you weren't sure whether or not to laugh or be offended or what, then you'd realize that she probably never offended anyone.

She was the kind of person we all look up to- you know, the one who knows what she wants to do then goes after it 110% & makes it happen.  She wasn't floundering around at 32 not knowing what to do with her life (like someone else we know, cough cough).  She mentored students in the form of a Lacrosse coach that has since affected the Lacrosse community like nothing I've ever seen.

I'd never even heard of Lacrosse until I met Tony.  I know that sounds ridiculous to a lot of people, but in Arizona, at least during my childhood, it wasn't something anyone played.  From what I understand it's all over the place now.

I've been writing this post for a few days.  Today, another tragedy has hit our country.  It doesn't hit as close to home for me as Kristie's accident, but it certainly leaves me to wonder about the state of our country & where things are headed.  There was a bombing at the Boston Marathon & people have been killed & injured & it's just awful.

Where is this world going?  When I wrote about doing things & having passion & looking foolish (here) those were just words.  Of course I meant them.  Of course I believe them.  Of course I WANT to be passionate & truly DO things.  But in the grand scheme of things I want to be like those people running.  I want to be like Kristie.  Doing the things that I love & having no fear of where that will lead me.

Our world is a scary place.  If we don't love & live like there's no tomorrow we'll just end up hurting ourselves & wishing we'd done more.

I'm still so sad about Kristie & Jackson.  Kristie was such a force & so full of life.  I'm so upset that she was killed.  My faith in our Lord has been shaken & now I see what happened in Boston & it shakes me even more.

I can't freaking understand WHY these things happen.  I can't stop thinking about something my mother-in-law said while I was in Baltimore last month- "Man, God must think we're really strong to take two from us."  How is it possible that this amazing woman had just lost her daughter & grandson & she STILL has faith in God?  I've been so upset & so frustrated with him for months- not just since Kristie was killed.  I don't know how/when I'm going to get that trust back.  I'm trying, I really am.

I just want life to even out.  I feel like the last few months have been ridiculous.  Kristie's sister-in-law on the other side posted on facebook today that if Kristie were here, she'd already be doing something to help the people in Boston.  I agree.  I hope more than anything that people stand up.

The problem with standing up is that this is what happens every time, EVERY TIME there's a tragedy.  Something hideous & awful happens in our country & people band together & talk about how much they love America then it all fades away like dust & no one gives a damn until something awful happens again.

Let's maybe get our crap together & band together a little more.  Let's love people ALL THE TIME instead of when something shitty happens or when it benefits us.

Damnit, I want my sister-in-law back & those innocent people in Boston, too.  I want to have my faith back.  I want to feel like there is good in the world.  Realistically, I KNOW there is.  I know there are people who give a damn all the time & I know they work hard to make this world a better place.

"My faith is dead, I need a resurrection, somehow."

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

'Stay (Wasting Time)'

I think everyone in the military has someone in either boot camp or "A" school (or tech school or whatever it's called for whatever branch) that they meet & have feelings for.

Aside from my sweet Army boy (read about him here), there was an Air Force boy in "A" school that also captured my heart.

I met him on the smoke deck.  He had these deep blue eyes that seemed endless & looked like the boy next door.  He talked about music like I did (do).  I've not encountered many people with the same passion for the same bands.

We'd smoke & talk & act cool, like most 18-19 year old kids do.  Who knows what the heck kept us entertained for so long but we spent a lot of time together.  I'd drink my pink Sobe (by the way, if you google images for "pink sobe" some pretty crazy stuff comes up) & smoke my Newports while we talked about Dave Matthews Band or Daft Punk or whatever else was in at the time.

He'd leave me little notes at the front desk of my barracks, wishing me luck on a test or saying hi (this was before cell phones & text messaging, obviously)...

One night at a park, drinking underage (I plead the fifth on who supplied it), we walked down this path together & I could hear Dave Matthew's 'Stay (Wasting Time)' playing in the background.  He kissed me & I decided (like I did with most boys until I ACTUALLY meant it with Tony) that he & I were meant to be.

Coincidentally, he had the same first name as Boyfriend #3.  I'd call him "..... #2" which is both ridiculous & hilarious now... I was such a child.

When I got orders, I found out I was transferring to England.  I was beyond excited.  He ended up going to Ohio.

I think I knew in my heart that he & I weren't going to make it, but then again we'd never "officially" dated either.  We exchanged a few letters after I left, but it wasn't until 7 years later that I talked to him again.

Thanks to him, I developed my love for DMB.  I'd liked them prior to us meeting, but I LOVED them after.

I found him on myspace, of all places.  Remember myspace?  Before facebook?  Haha, I tracked him down years later when I was stationed in South Carolina & we got back in touch.  About 6 months later (making it 8 years since I'd seen him), I took a trip to see my beloved friend Brandy (from "A" school, who was in the class with the Army boy).  She lived a few hours away from him so we went to visit him.

It was ridiculous, the whole thing, looking back on it.  I did some crappy things to an amazing friend & I'd take it all back if I could considering how much of a loser he turned out to be.  I love you, Brandy.

I wanted to be with him.  He looked different in the fact that he'd gained some weight & had facial hair, but he still had those eyes & I still liked attention so I went for it.  But he also had a deep love for marijuana, which, honestly, I think is pitiful.  When it so consumes your life that you can't go a day or two without it, there's a problem.  He bitched about my smoking, but at least it wasn't illegal, ha.

I didn't do what a good friend would do & deep down, I knew it.  I was more interested in the attention from him & by this time, I was 26 & I was ready to settle down.  I was tired of being single & getting my heart broken so I was more interested in devoting my attention to him than giving it to my friend who'd been there for me FOREVER.  & it stinks looking back now, because we're friends again but it'll never be the same.  It breaks my heart that I chose something so ridiculous over a friendship.  That said, it takes two & I'm not saying she wasn't to blame either, but the bulk of the burden is on me.  It still makes me sad.

But anyway.

We decided to keep in touch- I even bought a plane ticket to go see him two months later.  I never ended up using that plane ticket though, because about two weeks after I got back from that trip, I started dating my future husband.

But I'm getting WAY ahead of myself.  I've still got EIGHT years of relationships to tell before I get to him...

& for your listening enjoyment, a song about our military school loves:

Saturday, April 6, 2013

The Army Boy.

When I got to Dental Tech "A" School, I was still engaged to Boyfriend #3.  It took me about .2 seconds to realize that I was NOT old enough or anywhere near ready to be married.  While Boyfriend #3 was an amazing guy, I couldn't see myself settling down & living "happily ever after" at the ripe old age of 18.

& if I'm being honest, there were SO MANY CUTE BOYS.  My school was on an Air Force base, but they managed to have every branch of the military on this base, & my school alone was Navy, Air Force, & Army.

So, instead of leading him on or being a crappy girl, I broke his heart.  I did it over the phone since I was in Texas & he in Colorado.  I was on a pay phone outside my barracks room in the hallway, telling him that I just wasn't ready.

I felt like shit.  He was so torn & dejected.  Not only did he lose his planned career in the Navy, but now he'd lost the girl he loved.  I'd like to say that I had a lot of guilt over it & waited a long time before moving on, but I didn't.  It's only in the last 7 or 8 years that I have REAL remorse over how I went about it.  He was truly a good man (still is) & I'm thankful to know that he's happily married now with a handful of adorable kids.

But back to the cute boys.  While in the "A" school- the three months I was there I dated one boy, but I had a special fleeting moment with an Army boy. I'll tell the story of the boy I dated in another post, as it sets up a story for Tony & I, EIGHT years later.

He was so cute.  He had pretty eyes & nice forearms (I've always had a weird thing for forearms, haha).  He was in my friend Brandy's class, which meant he was about a month behind me in school.  We were both the picture of innocence, & I have no doubt that we acted a lot tougher than we actually were.

I think I was a big jerk in school.  I wanted attention & if I didn't get it from one boy, I'd move on to the next.  I acted like I was so special when in reality I was a scared little fish in a big 'ol sea.  The Navy opened doors & things I'd never ever imagined.

I don't remember a lot of our conversations, but I do remember Brandy telling me that he really liked me.  I couldn't understand why he didn't pursue me even though I knew he liked me, after all, I was cool, right?  With my bad eyebrows & cigarettes, spouting off about how great the Dave Matthews Band was...

We ended up on a bench outside of the barracks one night & we kissed.  It was a really good kiss.  Again, I don't remember a lot of our conversations, but I'll NEVER forget that kiss.  Even now, if I meet someone with his name, I smile.  We became friends on facebook awhile back & every time he likes my status or a picture or something ridiculous, I smile.  I dated someone in Japan with the same first name with a few striking similarities & I still wonder if that was coincidence or not.

Years & years later, he told me that I was officially his first "successful" kiss & that he'd compared kisses to mine for a long time after that.  I was very flattered.  He also told me that he wrote a poem about me but never got the nerve to give it to me.

I asked him why he didn't pursue me or try to make a relationship out of our brief moment & he told me it was because of his low self esteem.  I found it really unfortunate because I'm fairly certain I liked (even still do) him better than the other boy that I dated.  True story.

It's probably a good thing he didn't.  I was a brat who thought I was entitled to everything.  I acted like a ridiculous little girl instead of a woman, I cussed like you wouldn't believe & never showed anyone the way I REALLY was for fear of being laughed at.  He probably wouldn't have liked me very much if I'd have shown him my true self.  I ended up transferring to England & all those years ago, I was fickle & my mind changed a lot.  I broke a number of hearts for years after but I got mine broke more often than not.

It's nice to think about what might have been though, & I'll never forget our special kiss on that bench.

(& I still wish I could read that poem...)

Friday, April 5, 2013

'Hold Me Now'

I'm mostly going to skip over Boyfriend #2.  I can't really remember many significant details about him other than his name, & the fact that the first time I ever skipped school, got drunk, or attempted pot for the first time- he was with me.  I became a smoker during our relationship.  We dated for a long time but truly, I'm not sure why.  When I left Hawaii we never spoke again & I only know that's he's doing okay because of the unfortunate luck that he's related to people I'm related to (through marriage, we were never doing the whole "kissing cousins" thing).

Boyfriend #3, however, had a HUGE influence on my life.

Once I'd made the decision to join the Navy & became part of the Delayed Entry Program, I spent a disturbing amount of time at the recruiters office.  I'd answer phones, listen to old sea stories, & in general pretend like I was a cool Navy girl.

I wasn't.

Boyfriend #3 & his older sister were both joining the Navy.  One day I was outside smoking with his sister & she said, "you should go out with my brother."  So I did.  My friend Alicia (who later became my sister) &  I went on a double date- 4 potential Navy folks, all in the DEP program.  We went to see 'The Waterboy' which I think is the second worst Adam Sandler movie (followed only by Billy Madison, mostly because I HATED the baby talk & the penguin).  That was in November of 1998, & we were an INSTANT couple.  It took about 30 seconds for us to fall in love.  I mean, we fell HARD.

Once I met the rest of his family I fell head over heels all over again.  He had (has) the most amazing, thoughtful parents ever & I loved his sister dearly.  Their home was so cozy & everyone was so warm & they had these 3 beautiful dogs & I couldn't imagine anything bad ever happening when I was around them.

Later on I realized that my obsession with the strong family unit never went away.  My most important relationships revolved around the boys families.  I know it has to do with my family- we're all a big 'ol mess & we love each other, but I never had the stable 'one mom, one dad, brothers & sisters' thing growing up.

Anyway.  He was so very passionate about his love for the Navy & wanting to do aviation in the Navy- he'd wanted to do it all his life.  He was so talented & funny & sweet & I really just loved him.

Three months later, on February 13th, 1999, he took me to Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs & asked me to marry him.  He'd done the correct thing by asking my parents beforehand (who said yes only because they knew if they'd have said no I'd probably have run away with him anyway).  It was a beautiful & idyllic proposal- one every girl dreams of & of course I said yes.  After all, we were so madly in love & we were going to be together forever.

We were so innocent.  So very young.  He left for boot camp like a week later & then a week or two after that, I left for boot camp on March 2, 1999.  We just knew that after boot camp we'd find a way to be together & somehow get stationed together everything would be just perfect.

It wasn't.  Turns out he ended up getting medically separated for reasons I won't mention- it's not my place.  I made it through boot camp with no problems, he didn't.  I think no matter how proud he was of me that he still resented me a little because I passed with flying colors.  He took a bus from Colorado to Illinois for my boot camp graduation.  He stayed in the hotel room with my mom & my granny & we got into an argument during liberty weekend.  He was so affectionate, you see, & I'd spent the last two months having next to NO physical contact & honestly, it weirded me out.  I just wasn't comfortable with him for the first time ever & I didn't know how to react.

It all blew over though.  I went home to walk in my high school graduation & after, drove from Colorado to Texas with him next to me.  We talked about where I'd get stationed, how he'd come with me wherever I went & we'd get married & live our happy little lives.

He didn't come with me though.  & we didn't live our happy little lives.

The Worst Kiss.

(all names have been changed or omitted to keep people from getting all pissy)

My guidelines for this project:
-Men might not want to read this.  If you do, be warned.  There's girly stuff in here that might bug you.
-First off, I'm not going to mention boys that I liked for a week or two or whatever.  This series is about real live relationships that I've had.
- Except one or two.  There were one or two boys that I had a brief moment with that will forever stick with me, so they'll be part of this.
- If you're easily offended, don't want to read about boys I've kissed or whatever (sorry Tony, you know I love you), then tune out.  I'm not going to keep this crap in anymore.
-I don't plan to post actual dialog, unless it fits.  I'll save the conversations for my book & just stick to the stories.
- I'll keep steamy scenes to myself.  This is more about how entertaining my relationships have been or random things that have happened vs. my sex life leading up to my husband or lack thereof.
- If by some chance we dated & you suspect the story is about you & you find yourself offended or have a LEGIT problem with it, let me know.  Perhaps we can work something out, like I tell you to kiss my fat pregnant ass. Chances are, you broke my heart in some incredibly douchey way & deserve to be badmouthed via my personal blog.  I'm never going to be famous so be thankful I'm not Taylor Swift writing songs about you.

Story #1: The WORST Kiss Ever

Sixth grade.  It was totally one of those moments that we all laugh about now.  It's recess & a boy walks up to me & my friend & says, "He (pointing to Future Boyfriend #1) wants to know if you'll be his girlfriend."  I had no idea really what this would come to mean but he had pretty brown eyes & so I said, "tell him yes."

Two years later, we'd broken up & gotten back together probably five times.  This was our pattern & our relationship up until the last time I saw him, when I was 23 or so.  So for 12(ish) years, I had some kind of magnet that drew me to him.  I moved away after 8th grade so I'd only see him when we went to Arizona on vacation or after I joined the Navy, when I went home on leave.

He bought me my very first skateboard, my very first pair of Doc Martens, & introduced me to good grunge/alternative music vs. Salt 'n Pepa & SWV (whom I also still love, ha!). We'd sit on the phone for hours & talk about nothing & hold hands during recess.  He also gave me my very first french kiss.

Here's how it went.  A group of us were all at a friends house, listening to Beck ("getting crazy with the cheeze whiz")- I think- in his bedroom.  The friend had been dating my friend Melissa for like a week & they were poking fun at Boyfriend #1 & I because we'd been together two years & had yet to kiss.  So he's all, "hey Melissa." & she turns to him & they kiss.  I guess Boyfriend #1 decided he had something to prove then.

We're sitting on this waterbed & Boyfriend #1 is next to me & he's all, "Brandis." so I turn towards him & he like throws me on the bed, shoves his tongue down my throat & is doing this crazy drooly thing where I'm suddenly feeling nauseous.  When we broke apart, our braces had cut the inside of each others' lips (some of you remember this story as I told it in high school- here's where I confess that part of that story was a lie to sound cool, we did not, in fact, get stuck together) & I was seriously feeling like I was going to throw up.  Boyfriend #1 is all shrugging, like, "see, it's no big deal" to our friends who had looked on for the whole event.

It was probably another year or two before I kissed him again & I'm thankful that in time, he learned how to do it much better.

Another story about Boyfriend #1 involves a school dance & a young girl crying in the bathroom.  In true 90's fashion, our "song" was one of heartbreak & misery- 'Far Behind' by Candlebox.  I played the shit out of that tape until I got it on c.d., then it became a scratched mess.  I still have it though. :)

The dance.  I spent a good portion of the dance doing work for student council.  I think I was Vice-President that year?  I know I was secretary in 7th grade.  Haha!  Anyway, then when it came time for me to find Boyfriend #1 (who didn't play sports or student council or anything, if I'm remembering correctly he was kind of a young "bad boy" & I'm pretty sure he dropped out of high school), he was nowhere to be found.  I asked some of our friends, who said he was outside talking to some girl.  Man did I get pissed.

So I told the DJ (another friend of ours) to play "our song" because I figured when he heard it come on, he'd come inside so we could dance or whatever.

The song came on, he never showed.  I ended up in the bathroom in true drama queen style, crying for a good portion of the evening.  I think we broke up that night but it probably wasn't for longer than a week or so.

Another time- he did something SO sweet, so wonderful, that I'm still thankful to this day.  In junior high, embarrassing things happen.  On one particular day, I happened to start my period in the middle of the day.  It was still new to me so I hadn't gotten the hang of being prepared (now I ALWAYS have a freaking tampon, you know what I'm talking about girls)... I bled through my clothes.  I was so embarrassed & was unable to get in touch with anyone at home to get clean clothes or have someone come pick me up.  A friend of mine loaned me her flannel to tie around my waist (it was the 90's, haha- even in AZ we rocked flannels) but the damage had been done.  Even though I was relatively popular (I think everyone is popular at a K-8 school) people still laughed & pointed.  Boyfriend #1 NEVER mentioned it.  Held my hand through it all, even picked me up, threw me over his shoulder & took off running after lunch.  To this day, he's never mentioned it to me or laughed at me.  That was when I knew I loved him, even as a young girl.

This is how it went with us.  He'd piss me off, we'd break up & vice versa.  It wasn't until I was in my twenties that I realized he & I were NOT compatible, there were MUCH better guys out there to be with, & hoping he'd eventually come around & sweep me back off my feet was nothing but a silly fantasy from a silly girl.  He was really good at telling me he'd keep in touch or telling me that there was no one else but me & never follow through with his promises.

From what I understand, he's married now.  I don't know if he has any kids or how he's doing, but I hope he's well.  I spent SO many years wanting to be "happily ever after" with him & I was so bitter when my mom took us out of Arizona so I could no longer be with him.  Eventually I got over that bitterness & grew to be thankful.  If I'd stayed, I probably would have married him.  But I would never have left Casa Grande, never have done anything with my life, & seen the things I've seen.  I still think of him every year on his birthday, or of course, if I hear 'Far Behind.'

Oh, how I wish most of my stuff wasn't in storage!  I'd totally post pictures of me & all my awkwardness at these school dances & the old days of 90's grunge... it was SUCH a fun time & I truly love it.  But I will post this photo I swiped from pinterest, to show what my sweet Docs look like:
oh, 90's, how I loved thee!

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Here We Go...

This is one of those posts I've debated for awhile.

 My original plan had been to do a series of "stories" all leading up to me tying them together for my (someday) book.  The problem, of course, is that I wanted to do an exaggerated tale of my love life (until I met Tony, of course)- because let's face it- if you know me you know how ridiculous a lot of my relationships have been.  The question is, would it offend anyone?  I do have a few exes on facebook, although I doubt they take the time to read my blog. Would people be able to distinguish between real/story & would it end up making people not like me?  Would it be easier to just let it go?

This is probably the #1 reason I've not started my story yet.  I guess I'm not following my previous post about not being afraid to look foolish because I'm kind of terrified to start this story.  I don't know why.  I think it could be fun...

My new cover photo on facebook says it all:

So I guess I'll make that my plan for my next blog post, starting with my first ever boyfriend.  Ya'll that don't know the story will get a kick out of it. :)

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

memory lane.

I've met A LOT of people in my life.  Us military people know that we're all over the place & we'll meet hordes of people & half of them we'll never see again or think of & we'll randomly become facebook friends with people we barely knew just because we were stationed together.

Once in awhile, you meet people who touch you.  You meet people you think about more often than you're sure they think of you.  You meet people you have one special fleeting moment with & that's it.  You meet people who surprise you, years later.  You meet people who matter.

I've had the fortunate luck of making some pretty fantastic friends.  I don't talk to half of them near as often as I'd like- truthfully there's a few out there that probably don't even consider me a friend anymore but I'll never think of them in any other way.

I've had a few relationships.  Most were utter failures, some were sweet, all were lessons.  I'm thankful for all of them (save one or two) for the things I've learned.

It's interesting to me the things you learn from people.  I've spent the last two days venturing down memory lane in more ways than one.  I've been stuck on the Lithium channel on Sirius/XM for days (it's 90's alternative/grunge for those of you who don't know).  It brings back all sorts of memories from junior high up until my first year in the Navy.

Then, out of the blue, I reconnected with an old friend from my (very) early Navy days.  We chatted for a long time & truly, it was good for my soul.  Part of our conversation didn't hurt my ego, either. :)

In light of what happened to my beautiful sister-in-law (which I'm gathering the nerve to write about... eventually) I want to be more open with people.  The truth is, you never know.  People come & go & half the time you don't say the things you want to say for fear of what they'll think or how they'll react.  You choose not to say anything because you're scared you'll be hurt or turned down or look foolish.  But if we're always afraid to look foolish we'll never DO anything worth being foolish over, will we?

Love.  Friendship.  Beauty.  Music.  LIFE.  The things that matter are most often the things we ignore, planning on another day or another time or looking for a better way to say something as simple as "I love you. I think you're awesome.  I think you're special."  WHATEVER.

Why are we so afraid to be open with each other?  Why don't we ever stop to think, "I might not see this person again?"

I hope, hope, hope all of my family & friends know, really KNOW how important they are to me.  I hope that I can make the time to tell each & every one of you.  I hope that I can find what it is I have a passion for & pursue it, so that when I go- whether it happens tomorrow or years from now- that people can say I LIVED for something.  Not just that I lived.  That I had a passion, an unbreakable passion, to DO something.

Most of what I do, day in & day out, is trivial shit that most people don't think twice about.  But I'm taking care of my family.  Taking care of those I love & really, I should take pride in that.  I should.  Because I work hard.  I might not be out curing diseases or saving the world or doing something BIG- but now's not my time.

My time is coming.  One day, it'll be all about me & I'll chase the dreams I'm afraid to chase.  I'll do it.

In the meantime, I'll continue to (sporadically) write here.  Until I get the balls to write that book. ;)

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Jesus & the Homeless Guy

The other day I was driving home from preschool with the boys & we were stopped at an intersection.  On the corner there was this old abandoned restaurant & a homeless guy sitting on a large flower bed outside the building.  He had a sign, I'm not sure what it said because I wasn't paying attention, but Cody sure was.

He took this opportunity to teach me something I'd long forgotten & I waited a few days to post it & I've yet to actually TELL anyone about it, mostly because I wanted to think about what had happened to me.  I'm not sure how the event transpired into something about me, but it did.

As we drove away from the intersection, Cody said, "mommy, did you see Jesus?"  I asked him what he was talking about & he said, "sitting back there where we waited for the red light."  I asked him if he saw Jesus sitting NEXT to the man & he said, "no, mommy, that man WAS Jesus."  I didn't know how to respond because I could obviously see that it was just a homeless man who looked NOTHING like the pictures we see of Jesus (assuming that Jesus even looks like that, but whatever).  I kept kind of asking him if he meant next to him or near him or what, & Cody was adamant that the man WAS Jesus.

I remembered the story from the bible where Jesus is walking & talking to someone & they don't recognize him.  Finally he reveals himself & the person is blown away by Jesus right there next to him.

I thought of that song by Joan Osborne that was so cool in the 90's- 'One Of Us.'  I remembered how we all sang along & probably never actually THOUGHT about the lyrics.  It amazed me that my 3 year old could so plainly see Jesus in the face of a homeless man that I would have never looked twice at.

Two days later, we drove past the intersection again.  This time there was no one there, but Cody told me, "Mommy, that's where I saw Jesus."  I would have thought by then he'd have forgotten but really, I know Cody better than that.

I asked him what Jesus was doing sitting there that day & he told me, "helping people."  I can't say that the homeless man was really helping anyone when chances are, he has a hard time helping himself, but maybe God took that opportunity to remind me through my son that maybe I should start thinking about people other than myself for once.  I hate to admit it, but in the last, well, little while, I've become rather selfish.  I get tired so easily & I just want the boys to go to bed so I can get some rest.  I get annoyed when talking to people & I'm not really in the mood instead of hearing what they really have to say.  I hate when I don't get what I want & I lose patience SO easily lately.

I've been struggling a lot with my faith lately.  I'm not sure if it's because I haven't been to church since Cheyenne & I just need to "refill my cup" or if there's something deeper, but I've definitely gotten off track.
It's interesting when your 3 year old shows you something you'd never expect & it's like a not-so-gentle reminder from the big man saying, "Hey, get it together Bran- hands & feet, remember?"

What kind of things have your kiddos shown you?

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Things on my Mind Today (a picture display)

Today we skipped preschool & went to a big park called Lion's Club Park.  It was nothing like Cheyenne except the name.  The boys loved it & I think it was good for us to do that rather than take them to school.

Tomorrow (!!!) I'm dyeing my hair this color.  I'm super excited because I've not done anything fun with my hair in ages.  All my ginger friends, it'll be fake but I'll look like one of you. I'm not sure who this chick is (image found on pinterest) but she's super pretty.  I like the cut, too, but my hair wouldn't ever look like this since it's such a poofy curly ratty mess.

Bedding.  It's been on my mind most of the morning.  I'm in DESPERATE need of a change once we get to Florida so I'm on the hunt for the perfect duvet set.

Prenatal aerobics.  I was going to go today but since the boys didn't go to school I'll have to go another day. I found a place called 'Storkmommas' that offers prenatal zumba, aerobics, 1st/2nd/3rd trimester fitness, massages, etc.  Maybe I'll even stop being so socially awkward & make a friend or two.

Since my gaining command in Memphis released me, I no longer have to attempt to go there in June for my annual two weeks of active duty.  Instead of trying to go somewhere cool, I'm *really* hoping I can go to Cheyenne, not only to see my few fabulous friends, but also because I can take the boys.  In which case, if you or someone you know wants to watch my kiddos while I work IF I do come, please let me know.  I'll pay you handsomely.

How ridiculously badly I want to get this re-pierced.  Maybe I'll do it in the next few weeks...

yep.  you.

& that's all I've got.  Have a good day. :)

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Day Eleven

Day 11 of 30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me...

Describe 10 (ten?!?!) pet peeves you have.

Oooooh, this will be fun.  How many people can I offend in one post?  On the record, those of you who are my friends/family, chances are if you DO have one of these, I've learned to live with it & look past it. :)

1.  Being late.  I sincerely loathe being late.  Any time I'm late I feel like absolute garbage & I think it's rude of people to not have enough respect for me/their job/etc. to be prompt.  If I learned ANYTHING in the Navy, it's that "on time is late" & I try really hard to be early any where I go.

2.  Dirty fingernails.  There is an exception to this if you work in, say, a garage & have your hands in engine oil all day or on a ranch & you are consistently getting your nails dirty from pig slop or something (I know this one firsthand now) but if you sit at a desk all day & you have gross fingernails?  Ew.
3.  On the subject of nails, men with overly long fingernails TOTALLY grosses me out.  You're not a chick.  Cut that nonsense & be a man.

4.  People who are rude to servers/waitresses/waiters/service people for NO reason.  I can understand if they're jerks too but nine times out of ten, they're just trying to do their job so they can pay bills, go to college, whatever.  You are NO better than them so stop thinking you are.  It drives me crazy.  Seriously.

5.  Dirty shoes.  I get it if you're out doing something that involves having dirty shoes, but don't wear them to church.  Clean yourself up.  

6.  People who parade around like they are something spectacular when in reality, they are total train wrecks.  I think if you can't be real about who you are, then you're a jerk & a liar, even.

7.   People who are obnoxiously vocal about their beliefs & opinions but refuse to listen to other opinions or sides.  This is why you'll rarely catch me talking politics- because most people are so expressed in their thoughts they don't give others a chance to speak, especially those of us who are on the fence politically.

8.  People who don't stop on base during colors.  I know it's ridiculous, but if you're on a military installation & you aren't rendering the respect for our flag, you shouldn't be there.  Just my opinion, probably because I'm one of those obnoxious people when it comes to the military. ;)

9.  Along the same vein, people who judge military people without knowing anything about it.  I once met a person who made a comment about military spouses, saying that most women only married into the military because they wanted a free ride.  I'm not always the biggest fan of military spouses, but I certainly don't see most of them coming for a "free ride."  Watching their husbands/wives go to war & see things I can't even imagine seeing doesn't seem like an easy ride for me.  Having children while their husbands are deployed, living alone for months on end, doing it ALL by themselves, etc.  Spare me the free ride comments.

10.  People who smoke with their children in the car with the windows barely cracked.  I'm not judging smokers, but people who do this drive me UP THE WALL.  Your kid deserves better.  Not only is he/she going to reek of cigarettes, but you're also killing him or her in the process.  Get over yourself.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Day Ten

30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me, Day 10.

This is a hard one for me, mostly because I usually post my blog posts on facebook & I'm not really sure that I want anyone reading this.

Describe your most embarrassing moment.

Seriously, this is one of those moments that I really don't know if I should write.  I've had a gazillion embarrassing moments, anyone who knows me knows how clumsy & stupid I am.

I think I embarrass myself at least once or twice a week by making a comment that's taken the wrong way.  I'm constantly doing the open mouth, insert foot thing.  I'm pitiful & I expect too much out of people & I get crazy bothered when things don't go my way.  Whomever said 'Expectation is the Root of all Heartache' wasn't kidding.  As a result, I look like a jackass when I ask 'why?' when chances are, whatever happened was no big deal but I took it the wrong way.  Heck, just the other day I was crossing a street & some guy stopped to let me pass & as I waved & started to run across I tripped & barely stayed upright to cross said street.  He was laughing as he drove off.

Embarrassing moments happen often & truth be told, I'd rather not post the MOST embarrassing moment.  It's something I'll keep between myself, my junior high boyfriend, & half of Toltec Elementary School (those that could potentially remember definitely don't read my blog).

I guess for now I'll just keep it that way.  I prefer knowing that few people in my life now know the story & now, most of you will be wondering but will (hopefully) be kind enough to refrain from asking.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Things I Never Knew Until I Stayed On a Ranch.

A little Sunday post for your enjoyment, a list titled 'Things I Never Knew Until I Stayed On a Ranch'

1. Roosters?  They don't only crow at sunrise.  As a matter of fact, they do it whenever they feel like it.  Whether it's 11am, 3pm, the middle of the night, or all damn day.

2.  Guineas are the most annoying animals ever.  At least currently.  Because they are SO loud & obnoxious.

3.  Pigs will bite your rear end if you don't get their slop buckets out of the pen fast enough to feed them.

4.  Gator batteries die super fast.  Especially if a certain two year old keeps flipping light switches.

5.  You find yourself missing Cheyenne.  Because it's kinda isolated out here.

6.  Basset Hounds aren't the brightest animals.  At least when it comes to getting into cactus.

7.  Picking laid eggs is the coolest thing ever to an almost four year old.

8.  Speaking of eggs, fresh eggs?  WAYYYYY better than store bought.

9.  4 dogs, 3 cats, 3 kids, & 3 adults?  We get floors dirty fast.

10.  & the last thing I never knew until I stayed on a ranch...
little boys really ARE obsessed with tractors.  & 4 wheelers.  & gators.  & sand.  Baths are an absolute necessity daily here.

Friday, March 1, 2013

I'm Baaaaccckkkkk!

I know you all have been on the edge of your seats, waiting & hoping I'd post something soon...

The boys & I are safely & soundly in Texas, settling in to ranch life & all that that entails.  For the last few days we've been feeding the animals, & by animals I mean chickens, guineas, peacocks, alpacas, llamas, goats, & pigs, careful to avoid the dead chicken in the back of the gator that my dad FINALLY moved yesterday.  We collect eggs & stir pig slop (leftovers from us- those pigs are SO spoiled!) along with all the other stuff- it's actually something I enjoy, & it gets us moving around.

The boys have also started preschool part time, which so far they really enjoy.  Cody was doing so well at his preschool in Cheyenne that I didn't want him to lose momentum & Sawyer was in need of some socialization.  It works out well because honestly, I need a break.  I'm able to run errands by myself or come home & do housework while they're at school & I think it makes us better all around.  The drive is even something I enjoy- it's 23 miles one way (10 just to get into town), but I'm getting caught up on new music that I've missed so it's exciting for me- I'm such a dork!

There are some things I miss about Cheyenne, for sure.  My privacy, for one.  I love being with my family but I was SO used to doing things my way that it's become a bit of a challenge to have to work around other people.  We're managing pretty well though, I think.  I definitely miss my friends, not having any nearby is weird & kind of lonely.  Thankfully I have plenty to do to keep me busy.  I miss Element, too- I haven't been to church since I left Cheyenne & I know I need to recharge there too.

On Monday I'll start back with the whole '30 things my kids should know about me' posts, that was lots of fun.

Today makes me 9 weeks pregnant & my first OB appointment is March 15.  I also have an ultrasound that day so fingers crossed everything is going okay in there!

The last few weeks since I left Cheyenne have been interesting.  Like I said, we're adjusting to life here & trying to get used to each other, but I'm thankful that my parents have let the boys & I come & invade their lives.  I'm fairly certain, however, that when Tony finishes school & it's time for us to head to Florida, we'll be MORE than ready. :)

Have a good weekend everyone.

Monday, January 21, 2013

under contract.

I've been missing for a few days for a number of reasons.  We have been B-U-S-Y.  I've been trying to get scheduled to do a bunch of rescheduled drills, we've been planning our move, playing, & honestly, once the boys are in bed, I can barely stay awake, so I've been hitting the sack pretty early.

Yesterday we received an offer on our house.  It was decent, but we countered for a slightly higher amount & the potential buyers accepted our counter offer.  So, as of around 5pm last night, we are under contract!

The new buyers want to close on February 15- which means I've got a little over 3 weeks to drive the boys & I to Albuquerque to switch vehicles with Tony, pack up our ENTIRE house, put everything in storage, close on the house, then get the boys, the dogs, their beds, our clothes, etc., THEN get us to my parents house in Texas.

Holy Cow, we're SO busy!  I might not be posting much over the course of the next few weeks.

I will have some other stuff to share in the next few weeks, so I'll pop in occasionally.  Until then, if you're in Cheyenne & you're bored or something, you're welcome to entertain my children or help me pack. :)

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

boys will be boys.

Today at lunch, the boys were sitting at their little table in the living room.  Sawyer was across from Cody & they were giggling as they ate & I was all proud at how cute they were & how well they were eating & I was thinking I should just feed them fish sticks all day every day because they gobble those things up like I attack movie theater popcorn.  It was adorable.

& then Cody dug in to his applesauce with his spoon, picked it up, & flung it at Sawyer.  & then there was applesauce all over Sawyer's little face & suddenly he looked really confused, like he wasn't sure if he should laugh or cry or fling some right back.  Cody was instantly placed in timeout, I flipped my lid for about .2 seconds & then I realized just. how. stinking. funny. it was.

I guess the notion of flinging things with spoons is programmed into kid's brains, kind of like Batman or Spiderman or tackling.

Crazy kids.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Day Nine

30 Things My Kids Should Know about me, day 9.

List 10 people who have influenced your life & describe how.
these are in no particular order.

1. My mom.  My mom has always been a huge force of life.  She's overcome things I can't begin to imagine, is totally badass, & she did an amazing job raising me.  Because I'm awesome.  & it's all thanks to her & my #2.

2.  My granny.  My granny is going to be NINETY-TWO in February.  This means she's seen more & done more than you or I could EVER imagine.  She raised 4 amazing kids, mostly by herself, then did a pretty awesome job helping to raise me.  My granny had hardly ANY schooling & I still believe she's the smartest woman I've ever known.

3.  My favoritest friend, Ambie.  I met her on myspace, of all places, before I transferred to South Carolina. I NEVER thought I would meet such a kind, amazing, smart woman.  Now that we're older & wiser, I see her as an amazing mother to her beautiful children & I only WISH I could be half the mom she is.

4.  The Codester.  I never in my life could imagine a love as great as that for my kiddos.  Cody is everything I ever imagined in a child.  He amazes me, frustrates me, & at the end of the day, I am BEYOND thankful & blessed for him.

5.  Sawyer Face.  What an awesome & delightful child he is.  His permanent mohawk & smile get me, every time.  He's so sweet & helpful (when he's not tackling or throwing things) & he's just SUCH a joy to have in my life.

6.  My cousin Kim.  I don't know if I ever told her, but she's the reason I joined the Navy.  She got herself out of nowhere, Arizona, & I figured if she could do it, I could too.  She's one of my only cousins in AZ to leave there & I'm pretty thankful I followed her lead.

7.  My cousin Kristin.  In junior high, I pretty much wanted to be her.  She was so cool & grunge & not all ghetto like most AZ folks since she lived in California.  I'm pretty sure if it weren't for her, I would have been doing the awful 90's teased bangs deal with heavy eyeliner & listening to rap.  She's funny & has always been super cool.  Once I grew up & stopped trying to BE her, I realized we could have fun together on those rare occasions we see each other. :)

8.  My in-laws.  Patty & Sobby have been married for like 32 years (or is it 33?) & I can't imagine having better people to look up to.  They are both SUCH amazing parents, grandparents, & I think it's awesome that they are still married & still in love & it gives Tony & I an awesome model to follow in our marriage.

9.  My one & only TSS, Kristi.  From the minute I met her (even though I was oblivious to the obvious), I could tell that she was one of the few people I'd ever met that wasn't afraid to BE herself.  She's always done well for herself, & isn't afraid to be the way she is.  I admire her for her honesty, & I'm so very thankful that she is my friend.

10.  Last, but certainly not least, is Tony.  He's a good husband, great father, & he does what needs to be done to take care of his family.  I'm proud of him, I love him, & I couldn't ask for anyone else to journey through this life with.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

& so it begins.

I did a post almost 2 years ago called 'I hope he knows'.

I want to say I'm even more proud of him today then I was then.  Almost two years, & he's changed SO much.  He continues to provide for his family, he's learned so much (as have all of us) & is continuing to do so despite what an awful day it is.

Tony left today for Kirtland AFB in Albuquerque, New Mexico.  His estimated graduation day is June 16, 2013.  We will be able to see him occasionally since it's only about an 8 hour drive.  However, he will not be here for the day-to-day, in & out stuff that happens.

He won't see the boys everyday or see them grow.  Thanks to technology, he'll be able to see them frequently via skype.  But he won't be here to see how silly Cody is or what kind of mischief Sawyer is getting in to.  He won't see his dogs, who are already moping around.

I know this isn't a deployment & I have friends who deal with that all the time.  For us, this is only the beginning of very frequent separations once we head to Florida & he'll be off doing secret squirrel missions he can't tell anyone about.  It's the beginning of the journey.

Once again, I'm alone with the boys.  I welcome this change because I know he's doing it to better this place we live in.  Our country is in a very unstable time & things are very scary on our own homeland.  I won't go into a politics talk since I don't do that, but I will say that I pray every day for good things to happen to our country.  I don't see them happening now.

Tony is my own personal hero.  He's a great father, a good husband, & I know he'll kick some serious ass (excuse my language) as a Flight Engineer on the V-22 Osprey.  I'm SO very proud of him & all he's accomplished.  Thank you Tony for all you do.  I love you & I know you'll do amazing things.

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