Friday, April 5, 2013

The Worst Kiss.

(all names have been changed or omitted to keep people from getting all pissy)

My guidelines for this project:
-Men might not want to read this.  If you do, be warned.  There's girly stuff in here that might bug you.
-First off, I'm not going to mention boys that I liked for a week or two or whatever.  This series is about real live relationships that I've had.
- Except one or two.  There were one or two boys that I had a brief moment with that will forever stick with me, so they'll be part of this.
- If you're easily offended, don't want to read about boys I've kissed or whatever (sorry Tony, you know I love you), then tune out.  I'm not going to keep this crap in anymore.
-I don't plan to post actual dialog, unless it fits.  I'll save the conversations for my book & just stick to the stories.
- I'll keep steamy scenes to myself.  This is more about how entertaining my relationships have been or random things that have happened vs. my sex life leading up to my husband or lack thereof.
- If by some chance we dated & you suspect the story is about you & you find yourself offended or have a LEGIT problem with it, let me know.  Perhaps we can work something out, like I tell you to kiss my fat pregnant ass. Chances are, you broke my heart in some incredibly douchey way & deserve to be badmouthed via my personal blog.  I'm never going to be famous so be thankful I'm not Taylor Swift writing songs about you.

Story #1: The WORST Kiss Ever

Sixth grade.  It was totally one of those moments that we all laugh about now.  It's recess & a boy walks up to me & my friend & says, "He (pointing to Future Boyfriend #1) wants to know if you'll be his girlfriend."  I had no idea really what this would come to mean but he had pretty brown eyes & so I said, "tell him yes."

Two years later, we'd broken up & gotten back together probably five times.  This was our pattern & our relationship up until the last time I saw him, when I was 23 or so.  So for 12(ish) years, I had some kind of magnet that drew me to him.  I moved away after 8th grade so I'd only see him when we went to Arizona on vacation or after I joined the Navy, when I went home on leave.

He bought me my very first skateboard, my very first pair of Doc Martens, & introduced me to good grunge/alternative music vs. Salt 'n Pepa & SWV (whom I also still love, ha!). We'd sit on the phone for hours & talk about nothing & hold hands during recess.  He also gave me my very first french kiss.

Here's how it went.  A group of us were all at a friends house, listening to Beck ("getting crazy with the cheeze whiz")- I think- in his bedroom.  The friend had been dating my friend Melissa for like a week & they were poking fun at Boyfriend #1 & I because we'd been together two years & had yet to kiss.  So he's all, "hey Melissa." & she turns to him & they kiss.  I guess Boyfriend #1 decided he had something to prove then.

We're sitting on this waterbed & Boyfriend #1 is next to me & he's all, "Brandis." so I turn towards him & he like throws me on the bed, shoves his tongue down my throat & is doing this crazy drooly thing where I'm suddenly feeling nauseous.  When we broke apart, our braces had cut the inside of each others' lips (some of you remember this story as I told it in high school- here's where I confess that part of that story was a lie to sound cool, we did not, in fact, get stuck together) & I was seriously feeling like I was going to throw up.  Boyfriend #1 is all shrugging, like, "see, it's no big deal" to our friends who had looked on for the whole event.

It was probably another year or two before I kissed him again & I'm thankful that in time, he learned how to do it much better.

Another story about Boyfriend #1 involves a school dance & a young girl crying in the bathroom.  In true 90's fashion, our "song" was one of heartbreak & misery- 'Far Behind' by Candlebox.  I played the shit out of that tape until I got it on c.d., then it became a scratched mess.  I still have it though. :)

The dance.  I spent a good portion of the dance doing work for student council.  I think I was Vice-President that year?  I know I was secretary in 7th grade.  Haha!  Anyway, then when it came time for me to find Boyfriend #1 (who didn't play sports or student council or anything, if I'm remembering correctly he was kind of a young "bad boy" & I'm pretty sure he dropped out of high school), he was nowhere to be found.  I asked some of our friends, who said he was outside talking to some girl.  Man did I get pissed.

So I told the DJ (another friend of ours) to play "our song" because I figured when he heard it come on, he'd come inside so we could dance or whatever.

The song came on, he never showed.  I ended up in the bathroom in true drama queen style, crying for a good portion of the evening.  I think we broke up that night but it probably wasn't for longer than a week or so.

Another time- he did something SO sweet, so wonderful, that I'm still thankful to this day.  In junior high, embarrassing things happen.  On one particular day, I happened to start my period in the middle of the day.  It was still new to me so I hadn't gotten the hang of being prepared (now I ALWAYS have a freaking tampon, you know what I'm talking about girls)... I bled through my clothes.  I was so embarrassed & was unable to get in touch with anyone at home to get clean clothes or have someone come pick me up.  A friend of mine loaned me her flannel to tie around my waist (it was the 90's, haha- even in AZ we rocked flannels) but the damage had been done.  Even though I was relatively popular (I think everyone is popular at a K-8 school) people still laughed & pointed.  Boyfriend #1 NEVER mentioned it.  Held my hand through it all, even picked me up, threw me over his shoulder & took off running after lunch.  To this day, he's never mentioned it to me or laughed at me.  That was when I knew I loved him, even as a young girl.

This is how it went with us.  He'd piss me off, we'd break up & vice versa.  It wasn't until I was in my twenties that I realized he & I were NOT compatible, there were MUCH better guys out there to be with, & hoping he'd eventually come around & sweep me back off my feet was nothing but a silly fantasy from a silly girl.  He was really good at telling me he'd keep in touch or telling me that there was no one else but me & never follow through with his promises.

From what I understand, he's married now.  I don't know if he has any kids or how he's doing, but I hope he's well.  I spent SO many years wanting to be "happily ever after" with him & I was so bitter when my mom took us out of Arizona so I could no longer be with him.  Eventually I got over that bitterness & grew to be thankful.  If I'd stayed, I probably would have married him.  But I would never have left Casa Grande, never have done anything with my life, & seen the things I've seen.  I still think of him every year on his birthday, or of course, if I hear 'Far Behind.'

Oh, how I wish most of my stuff wasn't in storage!  I'd totally post pictures of me & all my awkwardness at these school dances & the old days of 90's grunge... it was SUCH a fun time & I truly love it.  But I will post this photo I swiped from pinterest, to show what my sweet Docs look like:
oh, 90's, how I loved thee!

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