if life didn't suck enough before....

There's now a warrant out for my arrest.  Awesome.

I got a speeding ticket when we were in Texas in April & I totally couldn't afford to pay it then (or now, for that matter).

So, as a result, there's now a warrant out for my arrest.

I NEED SOMETHING GOOD TO HAPPEN FOR ONCE, DAMMIT.

weight loss.

I'm finally into my pre-pregnancy (pre-Cody) clothes.  While this is cause for celebration, it's not enough.  I was overweight when I got pregnant, so I've definitely got a lot to go.  Since my last post on weight loss, May 23, I've only lost two pounds.  TWO.  That's ridiculous.

When Tony is in the field, I eat out of boredom.  I don't exercise because I'm so exhausted.  I've done nothing but make excuses & I'm tired of it.

So last night, since Tony was home, I went running.  I ran somewhere between a mile & a half & two miles.  I couldn't get the stupid runkeeper thing to work to tell me how far I went.

Then today, Tony left but once I put the boys down I did a yoga workout.  I'm done.  I'm tired of it.

I'm currently a size 16.  My goal size is a 14.  My weight is 202 lbs, my goal weight is 170.  I CAN DO THIS.

I'm going to stop making excuses.  I'm going to make this happen, not just for myself, but so my kiddos have a healthy mom.  So, here we go.

pacifier freedom.

Cody has been gnawing on the same gross paci for about a month.  I told him once that one was gone, he was going to be a big boy & lose it forever.

I assumed he would lose it after a day or two.  No such luck.

I can openly admit that the paci was more of a crutch for me than him, as it does exactly what it is supposed to do, "pacify."  When he is upset, going to sleep, or when he just has a hankering for some rubber in his mouth, he pops it in & shuts up.

Well, tonight we went on a family bike ride & he chucked it out of the bike trailer.  Rather than turn around & look for it, I said enough.  I'm so over that thing, it's never coming back in our house again.  No matter how much he screams.

That said, he went to bed pretty easily.  Let's hope he stays that way.

read it. memorize it.

"The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything"

one good piece of news.

Just one.

Tiny & kind of insignificant, but good nevertheless.

I am FINISHED with school.  Well, for the semester anyway.  DONE.  Finito.  The best part?  It was my LAST math class for my degree.  Math, my worst & most awful subject.

This, my friends, would be cause for celebration.

Er, if I had money to celebrate with.

starting fresh.

How many times have I neglected my blog only to come crawling back, begging forgiveness of my millions few readers?

I have no excuse.  & this post is almost guaranteed to be full of depression.

Speaking of which, I'm fairly certain that my old struggles with depression are coming back to bite me in the ass.

The issues we've had since we've moved to Wyoming have worn me down.  My marriage isn't the way it used to be, we've had NOTHING but bad luck since we got here, & the only thing that brings sunshine into my life is those two amazing boys I have the luck of loving.

Since we've moved here, we've dealt with a miscarriage, Tony being gone all the time, rejected job offers, not being able to keep a job, getting up to our ears in debt, losing family members & friends, sick babies, sick friends & family, you name it.

Since we've moved here, I've been trying SO hard to get closer to God & consistently failing every time.  My mother in law tells me that the closer you get to God, the more the Devil steps in to ruin your plans.  I guess that's true, but us not being able to catch a break makes it even harder to have faith.

I question God when I see bad news, like babies dying or good people being hurt.  I question God when we get bill after bill that we can't pay, when I've applied for a gazillion jobs with no luck.  I question God entirely too much more than I should- but I'm new at this whole religion thing, so I guess it's a learning process.

I wish I had the time or energy or devotion to read the bible.  I wish someone would sit down with me & tell me HOW to read the bible, how to be a follower, how to pray, & how to do it the right way.  I'm sure some would say there's no right way to follow or read, but I don't know enough about it to know where to begin.

I wish I had less frustration with my boys.  I'm so incredibly blessed with them & I know that overall I'm a good mom.  But I wish I could be a better mom.  I wish I could bite my tongue instead of yelling at Cody when he's done something he knows he shouldn't do for the millionth time.  I wish I could find the energy to clean my house more.  I wish I loved on my dogs more.  I wish I could exercise more.  I wish I could lose another 30 lbs.  I wish I could afford to buy myself some new clothes since I'm tired of wearing the same too big, two year old jeans.

Wish, wish, wish.  What about the people who don't get wishes?  My selfishness never stops.  There are so many who only wish they had what I have, not what I wish for.

I know I'm lucky.  I know I'm blessed.  But I still wish my little family could catch a break or get some good news.

I've made a medical appointment for this coming Monday to talk to the doctor.  If my depression is coming back, then maybe I need to take some happy pills again.  If it will give me a better outlook, then I'm all for it.