Sunday, August 21, 2011

Gearing Up.

This week is going to be hectic.  I start school tomorrow, Sawyer starts with a new sitter, & I should find out about the job I interviewed for last week.

The whole job thing is stressing me out.  Just when Tony & I decided I was going to go to school to finish, I finally picked something I think will be good for us degree-wise, Boeing calls me for an interview.  There are pros & cons to each thing.  IF I were to get the job at Boeing, we would have money.  Right now we're struggling financially & unless I get financial aid or student loans, we can't afford for me to go to school full time & pay for daycare.

If I don't get the job at Boeing, I will continue with school- assuming we get financial aid & student loans.  This would set us up for the future, but not knowing what exactly is going to happen is super stressful in itself.

I'm actually looking forward to starting school tomorrow- I'm scared of the A&P class & nervous about Biology, but for the first time since I started school, I actually feel like I'm going in with a purpose rather than going for the money from the GI Bill.  I'm actually working towards something & I really think if I put my mind to it, I'll be able to handle it.

Part of me hopes I'll get the job.  Part of me hopes I don't.  I can only hope that no matter what direction I take, I'll be making the right decision for myself & my family.

This morning at church they talked about taking off our masks to become the person God wants us to be.  This is part of the sermon series called 'The Masquerade' & it was the third sermon about it- but today's got me more than the other two & I was crying in my seat.  I'm so afraid that I'm not following Christ with all my heart & I'm not even sure how to do that as it is.  I'm thankful that here in a few weeks I'll be going to the new lifegroup called 'The Foundation,' which is basically like a beginners course or refresher to Christianity.  Since I didn't grow up in the church I have a feeling I'm going to learn a lot.  I'm also excited to continue with the Military Moms Lifegroup, since I love those girls.

This week I'm praying for strength & patience, & a heart open to the word of God as I start a new chapter.  Prayers for my family & the upcoming challenges would be highly appreciated.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Being Cody's Mommy.

Sometimes, it really stinks.  Don't assume I mean this in a bad way.  I love that little man more than just about anything.

But Cody has a MAJOR attachment to his dad.  Tony is everything to Cody.  So when Tony is in the field, I deal with more whining than usual, more meltdowns, & more asking for daddy then normal.

So recently, we've been transitioning to a toddler bed.  We figured if he doesn't sleep in a crib at daycare, then he should be fine to do it at home.  So far, it's gone remarkably well.

The last two nights Tony has put him to bed (because he puts him to bed most of the time when he is here)- and has tucked him in & sang him a song.

So today, since Tony is gone, I'm trying to get Cody down for a nap.  He keeps asking for the "school song," & I have NO idea what song this is.  I text Tony to ask him what song it is that he sings to Cody & he tells me it's one he made up.  So he calls me with the words to the song & I'm already crying because Cody's crying woke up Sawyer after only an hour nap.

So I'm trying to sing this song I don't know to Cody & it's totally not working.  I then start sobbing & lay my head on Cody's pillow, & we both cry for a few minutes.  Finally, he lays his head on the pillow next to me & his crying becomes the occasional whine/hiccup.  I lay there, rubbing his belly & saying "shh" until he finally settles down.  I ask him if he's going to take a nap & he tells me yes.  So I tell him I love him, & he says, "I love you too Mommy." & I walk out the door.

Still crying.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Do you know what today is?!?!

Up until 2 summers ago, I'd never once had the awesomeness, delictibleness, amazingness that is a s'more.  My sweet husband ridiculed me for a very long time about it, then when we moved to Wyoming, we bought some outdoor chairs & a fire pit, & he roasted my very first marshmallow for me.

Once it connected with the chocolate & graham cracker, I tasted utter bliss.  There are few things in life as simple, sweet, & bring back memories of good music, beer, & fire like a s'more.

Here's to National S'more Day!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Cody's First Day.

Today is Cody's first day of daycare.  We made a big deal out of it, & by this morning he was SUPER excited to go to "school."  He didn't even eat breakfast & once we got there, he immediately began blowing raspberries to another kid & wandering around, probably plotting his next terror attack on the unsuspecting daycare providers.

Sawyer had an appointment, so we went & got some Starbucks & drove around for a bit after we dropped Cody off.  I didn't cry.  In fact, I was kind of relieved, because Cody wears me out.  We commented repeatedly on how strange it was without him.

After Sawyer's appointment we ran some errands, then came home.  I went out to buy some groceries then came back.  Shortly after, Tony left & Sawyer went down for a nap.

Then it hit me.

Now, I'm all alone & my Codester isn't here.  He's at daycare, hopefully having a blast.  But usually when Sawyer is asleep, Cody & I are playing downstairs or in the sandbox or cuddling playing on the computer.

So I organized the books in the boys room.  I cleaned the bathroom.  & right now, it's nothing but empty.

It gets easier, right?

Friday, August 5, 2011

maybe it's the drugs...

Or maybe, just maybe, we're getting back on track.

I've been on Zoloft for just over two weeks now.  We took out a personal loan to pay my ticket, so there's no longer a warrant out for my arrest.  We decided that me sticking with school is our best option- so we're in the process of taking out student loans to supplement our non-existent income.  Our second car was totaled from hail damage, & our insurance is paying off the majority of the loan- we have to pay some out of pocket, but not having that entire car payment should help us tremendously.

We found a beater car for $700.  It'll get Tony to & from work, & as far as we can tell, it doesn't need *too much* work.

Cody is starting daycare next week, to give him a little time to adjust before school starts.  They don't have room for Sawyer but I've had a few offers from friends who are willing to watch him.

We should find out in the next few days if Tony is getting the missile job, meaning he'll be home every day.  The schedule is similar to what he has now, but he will only be on base & not two hours away for days at a time.  Fingers crossed!

On a sad note, one of my mom's precious dogs died the other day.  Isabel the Chihuahua, who scared away that big mean boxer when he bit me 11 years ago, was killed by one of my parent's silver labs.  Sarita just grabbed her & snapped her sweet little neck- not the first in the attacks that caused my parents to have to put her down, as well.  So in the span of two days, my parents lost two dogs & I know they are heartbroken about it.  My granny called me yesterday, basically saying "I told you so.", since I had Sawyer laying on the floor right near the labs when we were there in April.  Thankfully, Sarita didn't hurt my babies & if she had, she would have been dead a long time ago.

Tony applied for a few slots overseas.  I know the chances are slim but my fingers are still crossed that he'll get orders & we can get out of here.

My brother-in-law got engaged yesterday.  I'm pretty happy for him- I hope him & Ashley will have a beautiful life together.

Also, in the last two weeks I've been to two concerts: Zac Brown Band (with Sonia Leigh & Blackberry Smoke) & Toby Keith (with Eric Church).  We actually had meet & greet passes to meet Toby Keith but it was during the Eric Church show & both Tony & I were more interested in seeing Eric Church, so we passed up that chance- & IT WAS SO WORTH IT.  I love me some Eric Church, & he put on a FANTASTIC show.

That's it for now, I suppose.  This has already become a novel.  More soon. :)

Friday, July 22, 2011

if life didn't suck enough before....

There's now a warrant out for my arrest.  Awesome.

I got a speeding ticket when we were in Texas in April & I totally couldn't afford to pay it then (or now, for that matter).

So, as a result, there's now a warrant out for my arrest.


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

weight loss.

I'm finally into my pre-pregnancy (pre-Cody) clothes.  While this is cause for celebration, it's not enough.  I was overweight when I got pregnant, so I've definitely got a lot to go.  Since my last post on weight loss, May 23, I've only lost two pounds.  TWO.  That's ridiculous.

When Tony is in the field, I eat out of boredom.  I don't exercise because I'm so exhausted.  I've done nothing but make excuses & I'm tired of it.

So last night, since Tony was home, I went running.  I ran somewhere between a mile & a half & two miles.  I couldn't get the stupid runkeeper thing to work to tell me how far I went.

Then today, Tony left but once I put the boys down I did a yoga workout.  I'm done.  I'm tired of it.

I'm currently a size 16.  My goal size is a 14.  My weight is 202 lbs, my goal weight is 170.  I CAN DO THIS.

I'm going to stop making excuses.  I'm going to make this happen, not just for myself, but so my kiddos have a healthy mom.  So, here we go.

Monday, July 18, 2011

pacifier freedom.

Cody has been gnawing on the same gross paci for about a month.  I told him once that one was gone, he was going to be a big boy & lose it forever.

I assumed he would lose it after a day or two.  No such luck.

I can openly admit that the paci was more of a crutch for me than him, as it does exactly what it is supposed to do, "pacify."  When he is upset, going to sleep, or when he just has a hankering for some rubber in his mouth, he pops it in & shuts up.

Well, tonight we went on a family bike ride & he chucked it out of the bike trailer.  Rather than turn around & look for it, I said enough.  I'm so over that thing, it's never coming back in our house again.  No matter how much he screams.

That said, he went to bed pretty easily.  Let's hope he stays that way.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

read it. memorize it.

"The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything"

Thursday, July 14, 2011

one good piece of news.

Just one.

Tiny & kind of insignificant, but good nevertheless.

I am FINISHED with school.  Well, for the semester anyway.  DONE.  Finito.  The best part?  It was my LAST math class for my degree.  Math, my worst & most awful subject.

This, my friends, would be cause for celebration.

Er, if I had money to celebrate with.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

starting fresh.

How many times have I neglected my blog only to come crawling back, begging forgiveness of my millions few readers?

I have no excuse.  & this post is almost guaranteed to be full of depression.

Speaking of which, I'm fairly certain that my old struggles with depression are coming back to bite me in the ass.

The issues we've had since we've moved to Wyoming have worn me down.  My marriage isn't the way it used to be, we've had NOTHING but bad luck since we got here, & the only thing that brings sunshine into my life is those two amazing boys I have the luck of loving.

Since we've moved here, we've dealt with a miscarriage, Tony being gone all the time, rejected job offers, not being able to keep a job, getting up to our ears in debt, losing family members & friends, sick babies, sick friends & family, you name it.

Since we've moved here, I've been trying SO hard to get closer to God & consistently failing every time.  My mother in law tells me that the closer you get to God, the more the Devil steps in to ruin your plans.  I guess that's true, but us not being able to catch a break makes it even harder to have faith.

I question God when I see bad news, like babies dying or good people being hurt.  I question God when we get bill after bill that we can't pay, when I've applied for a gazillion jobs with no luck.  I question God entirely too much more than I should- but I'm new at this whole religion thing, so I guess it's a learning process.

I wish I had the time or energy or devotion to read the bible.  I wish someone would sit down with me & tell me HOW to read the bible, how to be a follower, how to pray, & how to do it the right way.  I'm sure some would say there's no right way to follow or read, but I don't know enough about it to know where to begin.

I wish I had less frustration with my boys.  I'm so incredibly blessed with them & I know that overall I'm a good mom.  But I wish I could be a better mom.  I wish I could bite my tongue instead of yelling at Cody when he's done something he knows he shouldn't do for the millionth time.  I wish I could find the energy to clean my house more.  I wish I loved on my dogs more.  I wish I could exercise more.  I wish I could lose another 30 lbs.  I wish I could afford to buy myself some new clothes since I'm tired of wearing the same too big, two year old jeans.

Wish, wish, wish.  What about the people who don't get wishes?  My selfishness never stops.  There are so many who only wish they had what I have, not what I wish for.

I know I'm lucky.  I know I'm blessed.  But I still wish my little family could catch a break or get some good news.

I've made a medical appointment for this coming Monday to talk to the doctor.  If my depression is coming back, then maybe I need to take some happy pills again.  If it will give me a better outlook, then I'm all for it.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

that one time.

Yesterday marks my two year anniversary of getting out of the Navy.  I miss it every day.

I'm thankful to be home with my boys, to be getting my education, & to be close to my husband rather than separated as would have inevitably happened if I'd have stayed in.

I've mentioned in previous posts how useless I feel somedays & how I don't have the opportunity to make a difference anymore.  I still have those feelings, but I know how lucky I am to be home with my boys.  I know how good I've got it.

& for nostalgia purposes, here's a picture of me getting promoted. :)

Monday, May 23, 2011

follow the leader.

One of my favorite blogs is the Heir to Blair (, who I e*know thanks to the bump (you know, that one site where I used to spend a disturbing amount of time? and even got my birth story with the Codester published?).  She does a segment called 'McFatty Monday' & I think I'm going to jump on this bandwagon in order to have another outlet to achieve my weight loss goals.

Saturday & Sunday both I worked out.  I was HORRIBLY UNIMPRESSED with my run on Saturday, I hadn't run in about two weeks & I couldn't even do my usual 2 miles.  I did about 1.7 miles & stopped, feeling sluggish & even less pumped.

On Sunday I took my new bike that we bought on Saturday at our local ReStore for a spin.  It had been YEARS since I've ridden a bike so I bet I looked pretty foolish.  But I cranked up my Pandora station & had a blast.  I loved it.   Loved.  LOVED.  it.  Thanks to our ridiculously high altitude, I couldn't breathe for most of the ride, but it was fun anyway. :)

So now I'm down 5 lbs total since I last blogged about my weight.  It's a slow process, but I'll get there.  Right now I'm focusing on making fitness a priority & making time to GET OUT THERE.

Weight on 31 March: 209
23 May: 204

Friday, May 20, 2011

the life of a Basset Hound.

You see those paws?
They're huge.
They twitch when he's sleeping really, really well.
They bound across the floor at the crack of dawn when he clumsily barrels into our room looking for attention & food- thereby risking an early death from grumpy me.
& they melt my heart when they bound to Cody & Sawyer's room when Cody wakes up from a nap, just so he can see him.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

the terrible twos.

Cody has entered these full-force.  Head on collision, even.

Two weeks ago my sweet boy would take a drink out of his sippy cup, say, "ahh" like we taught him, & set it down carefully on the table, just as we taught him.

Today, he chugged a swig, then chucked it across the room.

We then had a ten minute battle, complete with tears & screaming & timeouts, before he set it down on the table.

When did my sweet boy become the spawn of Satan?  & more importantly, how is it that people all over the world continue to have children after events such as these?

I know it's a phase.  & I understand that this is just a part of growing up, & it's got to be hard to be a two year old & not understand the ways of the world.

The end. :)

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Let's talk.

I know, I'm like a month (give or take a few days) behind.  It is what it is.  A (now) 2 year old, a 6 month old, & school full time leaves little time for blogging.  & no offense, but there's not a lot of people following this thing anyway, so it's really not a big deal since I'm friends with all of you on facebook anyway. :)

In the last month, we had a visit from my awesome in-laws, we visited Texas & bought 10 (TEN) acres of land for our retirement, Cody turned 2, & I've officially jumped on the 'Extreme Couponing' bandwagon.

So.  Let's work backwards.  The other day I rocked Walmart, buying over $25 worth of stuff & paying just over $7, thanks to coupons.  I bought toilet paper, body wash, & razors, all crap that we need.  I refuse to get all crazytown like some of these people on the show & buy 100 bags of croutons that I'll never use just because they were super cheap or free.  As I read on a facebook status today, it's like organized hoarding.

Cody's 2nd birthday was like a two week event.  Patty & Sobby came to visit so we took him to Chuck E. Cheese one day, had a party for him another, & as usual around grandparents, he was spoiled rotten.  Then, we went to Texas to celebrate his & my mom's birthday, which was also on Easter, so that was a big day.

As some of you know, my parents were planning on giving us 10 acres of land.  While we were in Texas, we went to the ranch to check out all of the property, & we decided we'd like to buy the land ourselves so it will be ours, free & clear.  We struck a deal between my parents & the owner of the lot we want, & soon, it will be ours.

Top all of this off with school, & it's safe to say I've been a little busy.  I'm done with three out of four classes, & my last final is on Monday.  I CANNOT WAIT.

That's all. See you soon. :)

Friday, April 8, 2011


I am SO disgusted with our country right now.  Next week, my husband is only getting half a paycheck because they can't stop arguing long enough to work out their stupid budget.  If they don't reach an agreement in time for the May 1st paycheck, neither of us will get paid.

Between the rising prices of gas (I put $80 into our truck & it is only 3/4 full) & a half paycheck, I'm so stressed out.

& what bothers me the most isn't us not getting money.  It's the people who are overseas fighting for this insanity, whose families don't even know if their spouse/parent is safe, who are only getting half a paycheck.  THAT is unfair.

My heart goes out to everyone effected by this.  I hope they are able to come to a conclusion soon- no one deserves this.  I think it's ridiculous that those assholes in Congress (pardon my language) will still get paid no matter what.  Way to look out for the guy keeping you safe, jerk.

Monday, April 4, 2011

::happy dance::

I lost 2 pounds!

(I'm ignoring the fact that it's probably water weight)

On another note, I put on the jeans I wore to my wedding rehearsal 3 years ago the other day.  I could button them & zip them.  They looked TERRIBLE.  But I got them on. :)

Thursday, March 31, 2011

my weight.

For the last few years, before I was pregnant with Cody & after both pregnancies, I've been overweight.  Not necessarily obese & certainly not morbidly obese, but overweight.  & I'm tired of it.  Pregnancies or no pregnancies, it's time to get healthy.

I'm not looking to be ridiculously skinny or look like some sickly supermodel, I'm just looking to be healthy.  So, I feel like if I put it all out there for my millions, dozens, few readers, maybe it will help motivate me.

So tonight was #2 in the 30 day shred.  It's not easy but it's not hard either- I feel like if I can stick with this for 30 days then I'll be used to it enough to continue with more intense workouts.

Here are my stats (embarrassing as they may be):
weight- 209
arms- 12"
waist- 35"
hips- 47"

My "goal" weight is around 170, but mostly I want to fit into my old clothes & be comfortable with myself, regardless of what a scale says.

Anyway, there it is.  It's time to take care of myself.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Jillian Michaels= EVIL.

I just started the 30 Day Shred (again, for the 3rd time in the last year & a half).  Jillian Michaels is so evil.  It's such a good workout & I remember losing weight the first time I did it so I'm on a mission to do it again, this time without stopping.  There's no reason I can't find 30 minutes everyday to do it for the next month, at least until we go to Texas.

So, go me!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


This is my life.
Kids, schoolwork, housework.  Rinse, repeat.

My biggest excitement is when Cody learns a new word or phrase or Sawyer reaches a milestone.  I live for the days Tony trips in so we can be bored together.  We don't have enough money to go out & do stuff & it's too cold to do free things.

I need something exciting in my life, pronto.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

a lot.

I've had a lot on my mind lately.  I'm not sure what it is about Tony's schedule, but when he's gone I often find myself questioning my ability as a mom.  I've been trying to find a balance between school, the boys, & housework for months no with no luck.  It's gotten easier as far as handling the boys alone, but it's still tough.  I've been working on my relationship with Christ but I know that's not enough.  My house is never clean enough & my homework never gets enough attention.

I feel like I'm trying to do too much but I have no choice.  If I don't go to school, I have to work.  We can't afford for me to be a stay at home mom any other way.  If I don't keep my house clean, I feel like a failure.  & when I'm trying to give Sawyer attention or a bottle or whatever, I can't play with Cody at the same time.  It breaks my heart when I'm feeding Sawyer & Cody is down in the playroom calling for me to come play with him.  So I go down to be near him but I still have to feed Sawyer.  & I've always said I WILL NOT be the mom who puts their kid in front of the t.v., so I'm trying to create all these activities for Cody since it's too cold to go outside.

I've said before that I want more than anything to be a good mother.  I know that God blessed me with these boys because he knew I could be trusted to raise them the best way I can.  I just wish I felt like I were more capable.  I see some of my other mom friends who seem to have so much more together than me, & maybe it's all a show & they're just as worried as I am.  I just want to be able to take care of them.  But at the same time I feel as though I'm losing myself.  I (very) rarely get time to myself & there's so many things I want to do- but at this point I feel as though I'll never do them.

I am thankful for Tony.  His schedule is garbage, but I love the four days off he gets at a time.  He helps more than I give him credit for when he is here & tries his best to do things the way they're done when he's not here.

I wish I could give myself a break.  I know I need one.

Monday, March 21, 2011

three years.

I know it's not a long time by a lot of standards, but today is my 3 year anniversary with Tony.  We've made it longer than most Hollywood couples, right?!?!

I'm proud to call him my husband.  He's a good man, a wonderful father, & there's no one else I'd rather spend my days with.

Happy Anniversary, Tony.  I love you.

Saturday, March 19, 2011


One of my three best friends & her girlfriend are coming to visit me!  They're on the road tonight & will be here by tomorrow morning.  I haven't seen her in almost two years & I'm SUPER excited!  It's going to be awesome to see her again.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

practice what I preach.

In the last few days, I've had a few people tell me that they find comfort in my new relationship with God. Since I've started this journey, it's been a whirlwind of emotion & I can only say that I'm so thankful to have gotten to where I am.

I have a very, very. very long way to go though. & it's time to make it happen. I want more than anything to raise my children the right way & I want to stand in Christ's light. I need to make some changes- my starting point is much further than I've ever been, but I'm not close enough. I want to KNOW God.

My main goal is to continue reading the bible, every day. I can't talk about it if I don't know what I'm talking about- so now I need to stop making excuses & start making time.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

the kitchen floor.

After a (very) rough two days, I am busting my butt to get this house clean & prepared for the arrival of one of my BFF's this coming Sunday.  My dear sweet amigo Kristi is coming to visit, & I'm putting on the dog.

So, with that, I made it my mission to get the house clean.  Ever tried to clean with an almost two year old, almost 5 month old, and two drooling basset hounds?  It's not as easy as it sounds.

So, tonight, I swept & mopped the kitchen floor.  I give it 30 minutes until it's a disaster all over again.

It's time to get some spring cleaning going on in this house.

On another note, my pretty awesome husband comes home tomorrow!  So I probably shouldn't clean too much, since he pretty much trashes it whenever he gets home, too.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Wyoming Stinks.

When Tony is in the field I am constantly thinking of fun things I can do with the boys so we're not sitting around the house watching t.v.  We play in Cody's play room & color, paint, build forts, etc., but Cody's favorite thing in the world is playing outside.  Today it's sunny & from the window, it looks like a beautiful day.  Sadly, it's chilly & ridiculously windy.

The wind drives me crazy.  I want to take the boys outside & let Cody run around & have fun, but it isn't really an option.

I hate it.  He's not going to want to leave Texas next month when we go visit.
I wish I were more creative at coming up for things for us to do.

Monday, March 14, 2011

my first ever DIY project.

This was a big thing for me.  About 2 years ago, Tony & I went to this awesome salvage yard in South Carolina & let with a crapton of cool, old, crap.  I had every intention of turning that crap into constructive, useful things.

Fast forward 2 years & NONE of it has been done.  So I finally tackled project number one, & I'm pretty darn proud of the results.  It's not perfect, but it's a darn good start.  So, here it is.

From this:
(old window)

To this:
Ta-da!  My new country memo board.
I heart it.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

The big 3-0.

This past Thursday was my 30th birthday.  It wasn't as bad as I anticipated, honestly I think I made a bigger deal out of it than need be.

It was a FABULOUS day.  Early in the morning, Tony had to go to medical to fight with Tricare, so I stayed home with the boys.  When he came home, he surprised me with this:
I asked him to take it back because God knows we can't afford it.  He refused by saying that I never buy anything for myself & that I never do anything for myself, so I deserved it.  I wish I could say I made him, but I caved because I've been wanting this camera for like 2 years.  Also, with our tax return I had ordered this;
which I had wanted ever since I was pregnant with Sawyer, & it arrived on my birthday.  

The boys & I went out for lunch, then ran a few errands.  After that we came home & I went to shop at Ross & TJ Maxx with the money my awesome in-laws had sent me & buy some groceries.  Then I came home, we had dinner, & watched the Big Bang Theory.

All in all, I'd say it was a pretty darn good 30th birthday.
I'm so blessed. :)

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The life of a cop.

I was never a "real" Police Officer.  I'm not ashamed to admit that.  I was a Navy Master-At-Arms & a VA Police Officer for a brief moment in time.

But what I wouldn't give to be a real cop.  To be able to help people, to solve mysteries, to feel like I was really making a difference.

I used to put on my uniform everyday & think nothing of it.  Sure, once in awhile I felt proud of myself for serving my country, but I never thought I was doing anything particularly spectacular.  Since I've gotten out of the Navy I've realized that I was doing something special.  Not everyone can serve their country.  Not everyone can travel all over the world, not seeing their families for months at a time.  Not everyone can go through boot camp.

I did something good.  & I also did something good by choosing to get out & serve my family.  Being able to be home with Cody & Sawyer is a huge blessing that some mothers only dream about.

But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't restless.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss putting on my uniform.  O\r if I didn't miss carrying a gun. Or feeling like I was a part of something bigger.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

My Major.

I've reached a point where I'm trying to figure out where to go.  My major in school is Early Childhood Education.  I don't intend to teach young children, IF I became a teacher I'd want to teach at least junior high.  But it initially was a stepping stone to set me up to become a Librarian.

Unfortunately, I can't wrap my mind around it.  I keep going back to Criminal Justice.  I think after all those years as a cop it has become part of me.

The problem with it is that I would more than likely have to work shift work, which doesn't work with Tony's schedule or the kids.

I'm so torn.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

I wish I knew...

how to balance time.  I find that I am overrun with housework, homework, & laundry- & I have no motivation to do it.  It's not that I'm lazy- I just want to spend time with the boys & when they are asleep I want some time for myself.

I make lists of things that need to be done & once I check off a few items I find myself looking for something else that isn't on the list.  I've become world's biggest procrastinator.

I keep trying to find a way to do fun things with the boys but more often than not we end up playing with Cody's toys & watching Sesame Street.  I want to teach them & show them so many things.  I hate winter because it makes it hard to go out & play, which is Cody's favorite thing to do.

I want to educate them the best I can, as well as keep our house functioning & stay caught up on homework.  I wish I knew of a way to do it all.  At the risk of sounding ridiculous, I wish I were Supermom.

In addition to having a million things to do, I know I'm not making enough time for faith.  I want so badly to follow Jesus & be a part of something so much bigger than our mundane life.  When I think about God, I know how blessed I am.  I've been given such a precious gift & I just need to find a way to take good care of it.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

I would love

I would love to be one of those people with a super cool looking blog & a ton of followers.

However, I don't even have the energy or drive to blog that often, so I guess it's a good thing I don't.

But I will say this:  I'm pretty interesting.  If I had the motivation, this blog would be awesome.

Or maybe I'm just full of garbage.

I'd venture to say the second is more accurate.  But my friends love me.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

"You're Welcome"

Tonight after I got Sawyer to bed, the Codester was watching Fresh Beat Band, & I wanted to get his toys put away.  I asked him to help & he said "no", the little stinker.  I got him to stand up & help me eventually, & when we were done, I said, "Cody, thank you for helping me put your toys away".  He said, "you're welcome"- for the first time, in the CLEAREST voice I've ever heard.  Honestly, it creeped me out a little because he sounded like an adult.  I didn't even praise him because I was so shocked, I just sat there for a minute confused, ha!

He's so smart, the little punk.

Friday, February 18, 2011

This is tough.

Tony left for the field today & more recently, Cody is noticing more & more when his daddy isn't here.  So when a car drives by, he'll run to the window & say "daddy".  I have to tell him, "no, daddy is at work".  He usually gets over it pretty quickly, but tonight when I put him to bed he fought it.  He was laying in bed crying for Tony & it absolutely breaks my heart.  I don't know how military wives who have husbands deployed handle it.  It hurts me so much, & Tony is only gone for 3 nights at a time.

Most of the time when Tony is gone, we go & do something the first day so it's less noticeable.  But my lifegroup was cancelled today & I didn't get much sleep last night, so we had a lazy day at home.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing a good job since lunch today was mac & cheese & dinner was a frozen pizza.  Usually I put more effort in to it, but I just couldn't bust out Supermom today.  It's 7:41 pm & I can't wait to go to bed.  It's days like this where I question my ability as a mom, but I KNOW in the end I'm doing a good job.  I'm far from perfect, but I love my boys & I know how much they need me.

I told Tony last night the ONLY good thing about him being gone is that I can go to bed early & not feel guilty.  Tonight will be one of those nights.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Valentines Day.

It's times like this when I wished my husband read my blog.  I was thinking earlier about what the perfect gift for me would be this Valentine's Day.

I would love for Tony to hand me $50 & send me out the door & tell me not to come back for at least 5 hours.  That sounds like bliss.

I would buy a latte at Starbucks & then spend the rest of those precious hours wandering places like Ross, TJ Maxx, Kohl's, & Bed, Bath & Beyond.  I would buy a bunch of random crap that we don't really NEED but would look super cute in our home, & perhaps a new shirt for myself or a piece of jewelry.  I might even get a cheap haircut since I'm so overdue.

Amazing how times have changed.  3 years ago I wanted some big dramatic, romantic evening, complete with flowers & jewels.  Now I want a few hours to myself, ha!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

rice chex & the fresh beat band.

After two days of my sweet little man throwing up as the result of a nasty virus I carried back from Arizona, he's finally back to normal today.  As much as I despise Cody being sick & myself being covered in vomit, it was pretty darn sweet to have him cuddle with me & love on me all day yesterday.

Today, after a two & a half hour nap, he's back to normal.  Jumping & dancing while watching the Fresh Beat Band & throwing an entire bowl of rice chex on the living room floor for the dogs to eat.

Tonight when he was consistently jiggling the door handle to open our bedroom door, signaling to me that he was ready for bathtime & went down fairly easily for bed early, smiled when he kissed Sawyer's sweet sleeping face- & I knew just how blessed I am.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

oh, Arizona.

I have so much to say.  So much on my mind- but I do not have the time.  I'm headed home on Friday but down to Denver tomorrow.  I'll see you soon, folks.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Home Sweet Home.

Next Friday, Sawyer & I are flying to Arizona for my Granny's 90th Birthday party.  I haven't been home since December 2008, so I am RIDICULOUSLY excited.  The only thing that would make it better would be if Tony & Cody were coming with me.  But I cannot wait to see my family & see the desert again!

Monday, January 24, 2011

I Hope He Knows.

I just put the kids down for a nap.  Tony hasn't tripped out yet but he's at work all day, the day before they trip out is their "training day", yet another day where he isn't with his family.

Yesterday Tony & I had a long (ish) talk about some stuff we've had on our minds.  I felt a million times better after said talk & I can only say today that I am thankful.  Thankful for all God has given me.  Thankful for my husband & children, friends & family, & having so many things that others aren't as fortunate to have.

I hope my husband knows how proud of him I am.  His job may seem insignificant to some (especially him) but in the big picture, he's doing something that so many aren't even able to do.  & although he isn't deployed, he's fighting for his country.  He leaves his family for days at a time (not months) but he still misses so much.  He's missed so much, as well, by me & the boys.  & I know his family in Baltimore misses him too.  He defends our country by sitting at a desk- not on some battlefield somewhere- but he's in the military.  He works hard.

He provides for his family.  He misses a million things while he's gone, new words that Cody learns or big smiles & kicks from Sawyer.  He leaves it all in my hands, trusting that I will do the best I can to manage the household, the kids, & LIFE without him for days.

I'm sure it's hard for him, as I know the two times I've been away from Cody have been hard for me.  He misses kisses & hugs, & watching Cody jump all over the dogs or try a new food he loves.

I am so very proud of him for what he does.  I hope he knows it.

Friday, January 21, 2011


One of my FAVORITE e*friends *may* be coming to visit us in the fall!  My friend Jamie, her husband Adam, & their son Ben might be coming out in October for deer hunting season, lol.  I would like all of you to PLEASE cross your fingers.

It's amazing to me how much some of my internet friends have come to mean to me, there's a select few whom I'm absolutely dying to meet, & obviously, Jamie is one of them.  This would be so freaking awesome, I can't even stand it.

I'm such a nerd, I'm all giddy just thinking that it might happen! & she's probably going to read this & think I'm a freak & cancel on me.  So let me shut my mouth & say goodnight.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

let's talk groceries.

Ever go grocery shopping with a toddler & a newborn?

When I was younger, I hated school.  When I joined the Navy, I hated my job, I hated where I was stationed EVERY TIME (then I transferred & you know what they say- your favorite duty station is always your last), and most of all, I hated running.

Well, I still hate school & I don't currently have a job to hate.  & I still hate running even though I REALLY want to run a marathon (random).

None of those things compare to how much I DESPISE grocery shopping with Cody & Sawyer.  Nine times out of ten, Cody is screaming in the giant car cart where navigating it is like steering a boat, Sawyer is crying because he's not in the mood to be worn or whatever.  I'm trying to bribe Cody with food & promises of better things, shhsh Sawyer & get him to calm down, all while navigating the boat as quickly as possible down the aisles to grab what we need & get the hell out of dodge.  We're knocking things over, stopping at random to look at the list & for me to open yet another string cheese or peel a clementine, & old people are looking at me like I'm THAT mom.

Today I made the list in order of where things are located at the grocery store.  Not sure why I hadn't thought to do that before- but IT WORKED.  Cody was only fussy maybe two times & Sawyer was racked out in the Jeep carrier.  It was *almost* good.  I won't call it blissful, but it was about the closest we'll get to a pleasant trip to the grocery store with the kids.

Sometimes, things just work.  & today at King Sooper was one of those times.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Maybe I'm a little over-sensitive...

The other day, I posted on facebook about how I wanted more followers for my blog.  It was a little ridiculous in retrospect, because people aren't going to read this if they don't want to, & really?  Who asks for followers?  I'm not THAT interesting.

Ahem.  Moving on.  I received a message on facebook from one of my friends who had gone through & read my entire blog when I posted the link.  Sweet, right?  Well, in her message she gave me a lot of information/advice about how I'm doing things with Cody, because I guess to her it seemed I was really struggling with him & I was overwhelmed.

Perhaps I do get overwhelmed.  & perhaps the Codester drives me up the wall from time to time.  He's a toddler.  & as much as I like this woman & respect her opinion (I mean that, woman, if you read this)- I found myself frustrated because I truly didn't think I spent that much time complaining about Cody.  & to read a line that says, "I know Cody is driving you crazy, but right now he needs you".  Pardon my French, but NO SHIT.  I give my entire life to that kid & Sawyer EVERY SINGLE DAY.  & I also find myself a little miffed to read that from someone who doesn't even HAVE CHILDREN.

& I'm all about advice from those who have experience & have been there, done that.  But reading that made me feel, for a split second at least, about two feet tall.  Because that little man is my world.  & I don't always feel like Mother of the Year- but NO ONE on this Earth will EVER love that kid like I love him.

With that, goodnight.  I'm off to attempt some sleep.

P.S.  If you followed my blog because I was whining about it & you truly didn't want to, I won't be offended if you stop following. :)

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


Tomorrow the new semester starts & I am DREADING it.  Not only am I still sick, but we are still trying to unpack & paint & get living in this house.  Tony trips in tomorrow, too, & I swear, with all of us sick, I have no idea how I'm going to get back into the swing of things, schoolwise.

Wish me luck.  I'm gonna need it.

Monday, January 10, 2011

I'm sick.

Like, on death's doorstep kind of sick.  And of course, Tony is in the field (and is the beginning stages of said sickness so I'm actually thankful he isn't home- because I CANNOT handle Man Colds- and for emphasis, this link:

So, I have nothing to report.  I can barely function with the boys right now.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

in trying to decide...

What I wanted to write about tonight, I realize I got nothin'.

It was a day.  Not good, not bad.

Tony goes to the field tomorrow.  So maybe tomorrow I'll have something to write about.

But for tonight, I'll leave you with this:

Friday, January 7, 2011


Man, I am so thankful for this bunch of women- & especially to my friend Rebecca for getting me involved.  Today we skipped the formal lifegroup session & socialized, which I totally needed.  I was able to vent some of the things that have been really weighing on me lately & through some tears & tea & muffins, I left feeling a little more at peace with myself.

I'm slowly learning that I can't make people happy.  People have to make themselves happy & no matter how hard I try, it's just wasting energy to do it.  I pray for certain people in my life who need to find their happy & need to learn to live for God instead of living while waiting for God to give them something.  I myself am bad at this- and only just now learning that I need to give all to Him so that I can live like no one else later (throwing a little Dave Ramsey in there too).

Anyway, thanks to them & some prayer that seemed pretty powerful to me (the girls prayed for me today with all that's going on in my life & some of the things I rarely talk about in my blog or elsewhere- you just don't need to know, haha)- I felt stronger for the rest of the day & even after some things that really upset me tonight, I know that I can handle it.

I wonder if these women will ever know how much I appreciate them, since I only really see them once a week & it's not like they call me when they need to vent- although I'd be MORE than happy to listen & try to help- but knowing that at least once a week I have a place to go where I can say how I feel & know that it will stay there, & have some snacks & prayer means the absolute world to me.  Truly.

It's amazing how fast life can change.  I'm so thankful for all the ways I'm blessed by the Lord & I can only hope that I can learn more & more to truly follow Him.
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