I've had a lot on my mind lately. I'm not sure what it is about Tony's schedule, but when he's gone I often find myself questioning my ability as a mom. I've been trying to find a balance between school, the boys, & housework for months no with no luck. It's gotten easier as far as handling the boys alone, but it's still tough. I've been working on my relationship with Christ but I know that's not enough. My house is never clean enough & my homework never gets enough attention.
I feel like I'm trying to do too much but I have no choice. If I don't go to school, I have to work. We can't afford for me to be a stay at home mom any other way. If I don't keep my house clean, I feel like a failure. & when I'm trying to give Sawyer attention or a bottle or whatever, I can't play with Cody at the same time. It breaks my heart when I'm feeding Sawyer & Cody is down in the playroom calling for me to come play with him. So I go down to be near him but I still have to feed Sawyer. & I've always said I WILL NOT be the mom who puts their kid in front of the t.v., so I'm trying to create all these activities for Cody since it's too cold to go outside.
I've said before that I want more than anything to be a good mother. I know that God blessed me with these boys because he knew I could be trusted to raise them the best way I can. I just wish I felt like I were more capable. I see some of my other mom friends who seem to have so much more together than me, & maybe it's all a show & they're just as worried as I am. I just want to be able to take care of them. But at the same time I feel as though I'm losing myself. I (very) rarely get time to myself & there's so many things I want to do- but at this point I feel as though I'll never do them.
I am thankful for Tony. His schedule is garbage, but I love the four days off he gets at a time. He helps more than I give him credit for when he is here & tries his best to do things the way they're done when he's not here.
I wish I could give myself a break. I know I need one.