Retraining, Eric Church, & God's work in our lives.

First things first: TONY WAS APPROVED FOR RETRAINING!  I know anyone who reads this is also my friend on facebook so you probably already know this, but it's such HUGE news!

The upside:  Tony gets to get a new job that he's been wanting for ages.  He'll be a flight engineer, which, if I understand correctly, means he'll be the #3 person after the pilot & copilot.  He will do the navigation & things like that that my simple, non-mechanical mind will never understand.

The downside:  He will be gone for like 6 months for school.  I know this won't be the end of the world & I know that I *technically* won't be a single mom, but it will feel like it while he's gone.  I'm absolutely terrified at the thought of being alone with the kids for that long, but I know we will be fine.  I know that I can handle it & I know that ultimately, this will do SO much for our family.

On the same sort of token, I've taken to looking for a full time job again.  Starbucks isn't giving me enough hours to justify paying for daycare, I don't make enough to cover it so it's almost pointless.  It doesn't look like the recruiting gig is going to work out for the Navy, so I've been applying at some places here in town.  If I'm unable to find something permanent in the next month or so, we'll be pulling the boys out of daycare & I'll be staying home with them again.  While that sounds ideal, it's tough because I don't feel like the mom that was made to be home full time anymore.  & along with that, Cody & Sawyer both LOVE school.  They really do.  They thrive there & they learn SO much more than I could teach them here.  It's a double edged sword, for sure.  I wish there were a way to do both.  I'm sure we'll work it out in time & God will show us the right path.

This past weekend, Tony & I were able to go to the Eric Church concert.  As everyone knows, I'm pretty crazytown about him.  I bought the tickets when they were first available, & pretty much counted down until the day it came.  My amazing friend Rebecca was willing (i.e. crazy enough) to take the boys for us from Saturday until Sunday afternoon in addition to her own three boys.  We got a hotel room & made a little mini vacation out of the show.  MAN, was it NEEDED.  We not only had an AMAZING, ridiculously good time at the show, but it was just great to get away for a day.  It was great to take a break & come back rejuvenated.  The show was, hands down, the best concert I've been to.  I've been to like 30 concerts in my life & it truly was the best I've seen.  Not only was my man Eric phenomenal, but the other performers were great too.  It was SO good.

God is moving pretty big in our lives lately.  We aren't too sure how we're going to pay our bills but we are truly starting to have FAITH.  Tony has started reading the bible, which amazes me & makes me crazy proud in a way I can't even explain- & it seems that he has more faith than me these days, which I love.  I feel like we're both learning & making our way through & I'm starting to see how we're going to raise our boys in the church & God willing, they'll be God loving men too.

I signed up to be baptized on the 17th of June.  I was baptized as a little girl but I certainly hadn't made my own decisions about God & now, it's for me.  I want to really & truly KNOW God & I think I'm finally, at the very least, taking the right steps to get there.  I'm proud of where we're going & where we'll get, & I know it's all because of him.

More soon. :)

Good mom or Bad mom?

What makes someone a good parent?  Is it the ability to consistently be patient?  Is it a mother who is able to stay at home with her children, have unlimited patience, creating all kinds of cool crafts?  Is it a mother who sees her kids in the afternoons & weekends because she works all day to pay bills to keep them fed?  Is a bad mother a mom who gets upset easily when her three year old won't listen so she yells?  We all know a bad mom is a mother who neglects her children- but where do you draw the line on good parents vs. bad parents?

I'm having a "bad mom" day.  Whether or not I'm a good mother is something only God knows.  I know that I love my kids more than anything.  I know that a lot of times I lose my patience when Cody doesn't listen or Sawyer continually does something naughty because he thinks its funny.  I know sometimes I yell.  Loudly.  I know sometimes I scare my kids when I get so frustrated that I yell at them or even occasionally spank them.

I know that I judge people unnecessarily over their parenting choices.  I know that in public, I do all I can to get my kids to listen or act like I'm not embarrassed when one of them throws a temper tantrum or runs away from me.

I know that I've tried everything I can think of to try to get them to listen.  I've been consistent.  I've set limits.  We have a solid routine that we are convinced helps them be happier kids.  I'm not saying we don't stray from it occasionally or that it's wrong to not have a routine.  But it works for us & it seems to work for them.  We've tried time outs, yelling, spanking, taking toys away, ignoring, positive reinforcement, you name it.  I have a hard time figuring out what is "right" & what is "wrong" & more often than not, I feel like I'm doing it wrong.  More often than not, I feel like the worst mother in the world & I feel like my kids will spend thousands upon thousands on therapy when they're older because we screwed them up irrevocably.

I know that my kids are well clothed, well fed, have the proper medical care & treatment, & are bathed frequently.  They do not go without hugs or kisses or praise & they certainly are not lacking in entertainment.  & although we are pitifully broke, we still manage to provide them with all they need.

But ARE WE DOING IT RIGHT?

Is anyone doing it right?

This parenting gig is tough.

I know that Cody's whining sounds like nails on a chalkboard & I know that when the two of them hit each other or fight over a toy, it's all I can do to not walk out the door sometimes.

I know that I lose it with them then I get mad when Tony does the same.  I know the both of us barely stay afloat in this sea of crap where the boys are learning & so are we & perhaps, the boys are smarter than us & maybe that's why we screw up so much.

Either way, it's certainly not what I thought it would be.  It's impossible, scary, frustrating, beautiful, & worth every minute, no matter how bad of a mom I am today.

Sawyer's Surgery

I know millions of parents deal with much worse things.  I know it's not even a huge, major surgery.  But I'm still nervous about the ENT knocking my little man out & cutting on him tomorrow.  My poor baby, who is so used to going to doctors & getting looked at.  My sweet, amazing, crazy, ridiculously smart baby.

So if you would say a prayer or send a good thought for my little man, I would appreciate it.  <3

back to the drawing board?

Last night Tony asked me the last time I'd blogged.  I told him I couldn't even remember & we had a long talk about a lot of things potentially going on in our lives.

While we've got a million things going on, I'm still feeling rather stagnant.  Now that I'm back in the Reserves I'm going to be applying for full-time support, but until I complete my first drill weekend I'm unable to do so.  I'm working at Starbucks, which I enjoy, but the hours I'm given don't even come close to being enough financially.  School is ending this week & since my degree plan fell through, I really don't have much to look forward to.

I've always envied those people who've known since childhood what they want to be when they grow up.  I still have NO idea & it's almost embarrassing to admit that I've been going to school  for 3 years now & I still don't have an Associates Degree.  To make matters worse, I have NO motivation since the degree I was pursuing didn't work out, so I'm basically floating through my classes without much effort.  I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is.

We should be finding out soon if Tony is approved for retraining.  If he is, we'll have some big things happening but we don't know when.  We may transfer, we may not.  I'm trying to take each day as it comes but honestly, I'm really just overwhelmed & frustrated, & not sure what direction to take.

The boys are amazing.  Cody is stubborn, strong willed, & a total pain in the neck, to put it mildly.  He turned 3 last week & I'm having a hard time finding a middle ground with him.  I don't want to break him down by being too strict but I don't want to be a total pushover either.  It's very, very, very hard, this parenting thing.  Sawyer is a crazy little man who is very, very cool.  For the most part he's pretty laid back, but now that he's getting older he really just wants to do what his brother does & neither of them is old enough to understand the other & the way in which things work.  So there's a good amount of toy stealing, hitting, pushing, head butting, but also a lot of hand holding & hugs & kisses.  I'd venture to say as they get older they'll be the best of friends, plotting against Tony & I.

I guess I just wanted to check in.  I know I should do this more regularly, as it makes me feel better to get my thoughts on paper (err... computer).  So maybe I'll give it more of an effort this time, since school is ending & I'm taking a break.

See you on the flip side.