I'm Sorry.

Those two words are so easy to say.  Often we choose not to say them, assuming that we're in the right or that the other person won't forgive us so what's the point?

& another time to say it is the absolute worst: when we don't mean it.

I've told the boys more than once that I'm sorry.  At the time I certainly mean it, but I continue to repeat the same mistakes, which means I'm probably not as sorry as I think I am.

Today my sweet friend Tiffany posted this blog post on facebook.  It was probably 15 minutes after Tony & I had a conversation about where (I feel) I'm failing as a mother.  As I stood near a tree, watching the boys play with the hose for the millionth time after a million times of telling them not to, tears streaming down my face (for the second time today)- I looked up & thought, "it's just water."

We're all failing in some places.  Where someone reads a blog post & cries about the things they don't do or the things they do & where they feel they fall short.  How we're all less than perfect & how parenting is hard, yo.  Some moms yell too much, some moms ignore, some moms hide in closets & cry, some moms eat until they get sick because they have nothing else to turn to, some moms do it ALL by themselves with no help.  Some moms seem to have it all together but deep down, they're falling apart just like the rest of us.  You know what?  I've done ALL of the things I just mentioned.

~I have friends who take the Orange Rhino Challenge & I feel like they're Supermom, where I've compared myself a million times to them & wondered WHY I can't just be an awesome mom like her.
~I have friends who post these amazing pictures of their children doing super fun things & I think, "why don't I have the patience to do that too?"
~I have friends whose children are all in school so while the kids are gone, they do whatever they feel like doing, & leisurely enjoy their day.
~I have friends who have no routine with their kids but their kids are calm, consistently listen, & don't run around all crazy.
~I have friends who do this & that & even more...
~the list goes on.

& yet, at the end of the day, we're all just doing our best, aren't we?

So, I just want to say I'm sorry.  I'm sorry to my boys for yelling when they are doing typical kid stuff.  I'm sorry when I look at them playing with a water hose & instead of smiling & seeing them giggle when one splashes the other I see a mess to clean up.  I'm sorry that I only see us living in a home that feels like glass because it's not childproofed my way therefore I'm watching them like a hawk every second because God forbid something that isn't ours gets broken. I'm sorry that I try so hard to make everyone around me happy that I don't focus on what is important- watching my 4 & 2 year old BE 4 & 2.  I'm sorry that I feel like I'm being pulled in twenty different directions & therefore I take out my frustrations on two amazing little boys who are really just trying to survive the same crap I'm working through- sharing a room with their mom, living under someone else's roof with different rules, being away from their daddy, & not knowing half the things we usually know.

I'm so very sorry.  I hope that I can remember next time I see them playing where they shouldn't that this is only temporary.  Three weeks from tomorrow we'll be driving to Florida to start our new life there with our own home & our own set of rules.

I'm sure it will still be hard.  There will still be times I yell or get frustrated.  But I hope I can remember that the things they get into are just that- things.  The things that aren't important.

Because you know what's important?  Remembering that time is fleeting & in light of what's happened with Kristie, the Boston marathon, the plant in West, Texas, & the tornadoes in Oklahoma- you just never know.

So what's important to me today?  Remembering that it's just water.  & remembering that these two little boys are so very special & I need to work more on taking care of them AND me, & not worry so much about the world around us & making others happy.

'The Worst Part (Of a Broken Heart)'

Once I got to England, I discovered how vicious & ridiculous military boys could be.  The base I was at was incredibly small, & the boys swarmed after the new girls like flies.  I mean, it was pitiful.  I got there in August, & by October, I'd met the first person who would really & truly rip my heart out & stomp on it.

He was older than me.  4 years I think?  He'd been in England for awhile, & he played guitar.  He was in a little band with some of the other guys there & I thought he was amazing.

Now that I look back on it, I can't remember many details of our relationship.  He was the first boy I gave myself completely to.

We only dated for like six months.  It felt like so much longer & I spent every waking moment thinking of him.  He (being older & douchier) probably didn't have the same love for me, having been more experienced & just being different.

I guess it got to be too much for him.  We were always together, we practically lived in each other's barracks rooms (in the barracks there you could do whatever you wanted- there was no place to sign in, you could smoke in your room, etc.) & were always together.

Apparently I was too sarcastic for him, too blunt, too much of a bitch, too outspoken, etc.  One night we went to the NAF (the English bar on base) with a group of friends & were (seemingly) having a good time.  I guess we weren't, because afterwards we went back to my room & laying on my bed in the dark, he broke up with me.  Let out this big sigh & I'm like, "what's wrong?"  He said, "you don't want to know."  "Of course I want to know, I wouldn't have asked if I didn't." "I don't think this is going to work out."  

I sat there, stunned.  I gathered what was left of my pride, put out my cigarette, & said, "I think you should leave."

For months after that, I was the most pitiful girl you can imagine.  I cried my way through work most days- once or twice the dentist I worked for even sent me home because I was crying so hard I couldn't hand him instruments.  I was a far cry from the "tough" girl people see now.  I cried myself to sleep every night, wrote him letters about how we were meant to be, showed up at this door practically begging him to take me back, until finally, my granny called me one night & said, "let this be the last night you cry over that boy."

It was.  

I have no idea what ever happened to him.  I have no hard feelings & I certainly am not bitter over the ending of our relationship- it was YEARS ago.  I guess in a way I'm thankful for him for showing me how bad it could really be- I'm not sure my heart was ever broken that badly again.

& then I did the heartbreaking when I started dating a truly great guy afterwards.

the song that's moving mountains in my life.

the song I can't stop listening to.

I think it's a sign.

You really should listen to it.

Kristie.

It's been one month since my beautiful sister-in-law was killed in a tragic bus accident. If you haven't heard about it or don't know the story, read about it here, here, & here.

If you want to donate to my awesome nephew's scholarship fund you can do so here.

I've been wondering, praying, & debating if I should even post about her because I'm not sure my pitiful excuse for "writing" will do her justice.

The first time I met Kristie, I liked her.  Those of you who really know me know that I don't really like people, haha.  I was drawn to Tony's family from the first instant I met them, especially when they welcomed me with open arms almost immediately after he broke up with his ex-fiance.

I said when I was in Baltimore for Kristie's funeral that there probably wasn't a single person out in the world that had a bad thing to say about her.  I can name at least ten people, right now, that don't like me.  Kristie was different.

Kristie shined.  She lit up a room with a stunning personality & beauty & wit to match.  She didn't drink yet she was always the life of the party.  She made people feel at home & always knew the right thing to say to just about anyone.

She gave willingly of herself & the first time I met her, she was quick to tell me that she could see a difference in her brother since he'd started dating me.  Considering Tony & I were together about .2 seconds before he moved in & we got engaged, I laughed it off.  When his mom told me the same thing, I listened.

Something about the Trionfo family drew me in.  They are a force to be reckoned with, a gang of sorts that sticks together through thick & thin.  Kristie was a huge part of the puzzle that is the family.  She would make you laugh or say something so outrageous you weren't sure whether or not to laugh or be offended or what, then you'd realize that she probably never offended anyone.

She was the kind of person we all look up to- you know, the one who knows what she wants to do then goes after it 110% & makes it happen.  She wasn't floundering around at 32 not knowing what to do with her life (like someone else we know, cough cough).  She mentored students in the form of a Lacrosse coach that has since affected the Lacrosse community like nothing I've ever seen.

I'd never even heard of Lacrosse until I met Tony.  I know that sounds ridiculous to a lot of people, but in Arizona, at least during my childhood, it wasn't something anyone played.  From what I understand it's all over the place now.

I've been writing this post for a few days.  Today, another tragedy has hit our country.  It doesn't hit as close to home for me as Kristie's accident, but it certainly leaves me to wonder about the state of our country & where things are headed.  There was a bombing at the Boston Marathon & people have been killed & injured & it's just awful.

Where is this world going?  When I wrote about doing things & having passion & looking foolish (here) those were just words.  Of course I meant them.  Of course I believe them.  Of course I WANT to be passionate & truly DO things.  But in the grand scheme of things I want to be like those people running.  I want to be like Kristie.  Doing the things that I love & having no fear of where that will lead me.

Our world is a scary place.  If we don't love & live like there's no tomorrow we'll just end up hurting ourselves & wishing we'd done more.

I'm still so sad about Kristie & Jackson.  Kristie was such a force & so full of life.  I'm so upset that she was killed.  My faith in our Lord has been shaken & now I see what happened in Boston & it shakes me even more.

I can't freaking understand WHY these things happen.  I can't stop thinking about something my mother-in-law said while I was in Baltimore last month- "Man, God must think we're really strong to take two from us."  How is it possible that this amazing woman had just lost her daughter & grandson & she STILL has faith in God?  I've been so upset & so frustrated with him for months- not just since Kristie was killed.  I don't know how/when I'm going to get that trust back.  I'm trying, I really am.

I just want life to even out.  I feel like the last few months have been ridiculous.  Kristie's sister-in-law on the other side posted on facebook today that if Kristie were here, she'd already be doing something to help the people in Boston.  I agree.  I hope more than anything that people stand up.

The problem with standing up is that this is what happens every time, EVERY TIME there's a tragedy.  Something hideous & awful happens in our country & people band together & talk about how much they love America then it all fades away like dust & no one gives a damn until something awful happens again.

Let's maybe get our crap together & band together a little more.  Let's love people ALL THE TIME instead of when something shitty happens or when it benefits us.

Damnit, I want my sister-in-law back & those innocent people in Boston, too.  I want to have my faith back.  I want to feel like there is good in the world.  Realistically, I KNOW there is.  I know there are people who give a damn all the time & I know they work hard to make this world a better place.

"My faith is dead, I need a resurrection, somehow."

'Stay (Wasting Time)'

I think everyone in the military has someone in either boot camp or "A" school (or tech school or whatever it's called for whatever branch) that they meet & have feelings for.

Aside from my sweet Army boy (read about him here), there was an Air Force boy in "A" school that also captured my heart.

I met him on the smoke deck.  He had these deep blue eyes that seemed endless & looked like the boy next door.  He talked about music like I did (do).  I've not encountered many people with the same passion for the same bands.

We'd smoke & talk & act cool, like most 18-19 year old kids do.  Who knows what the heck kept us entertained for so long but we spent a lot of time together.  I'd drink my pink Sobe (by the way, if you google images for "pink sobe" some pretty crazy stuff comes up) & smoke my Newports while we talked about Dave Matthews Band or Daft Punk or whatever else was in at the time.

He'd leave me little notes at the front desk of my barracks, wishing me luck on a test or saying hi (this was before cell phones & text messaging, obviously)...

One night at a park, drinking underage (I plead the fifth on who supplied it), we walked down this path together & I could hear Dave Matthew's 'Stay (Wasting Time)' playing in the background.  He kissed me & I decided (like I did with most boys until I ACTUALLY meant it with Tony) that he & I were meant to be.

Coincidentally, he had the same first name as Boyfriend #3.  I'd call him "..... #2" which is both ridiculous & hilarious now... I was such a child.

When I got orders, I found out I was transferring to England.  I was beyond excited.  He ended up going to Ohio.

I think I knew in my heart that he & I weren't going to make it, but then again we'd never "officially" dated either.  We exchanged a few letters after I left, but it wasn't until 7 years later that I talked to him again.

Thanks to him, I developed my love for DMB.  I'd liked them prior to us meeting, but I LOVED them after.

I found him on myspace, of all places.  Remember myspace?  Before facebook?  Haha, I tracked him down years later when I was stationed in South Carolina & we got back in touch.  About 6 months later (making it 8 years since I'd seen him), I took a trip to see my beloved friend Brandy (from "A" school, who was in the class with the Army boy).  She lived a few hours away from him so we went to visit him.

It was ridiculous, the whole thing, looking back on it.  I did some crappy things to an amazing friend & I'd take it all back if I could considering how much of a loser he turned out to be.  I love you, Brandy.

I wanted to be with him.  He looked different in the fact that he'd gained some weight & had facial hair, but he still had those eyes & I still liked attention so I went for it.  But he also had a deep love for marijuana, which, honestly, I think is pitiful.  When it so consumes your life that you can't go a day or two without it, there's a problem.  He bitched about my smoking, but at least it wasn't illegal, ha.

I didn't do what a good friend would do & deep down, I knew it.  I was more interested in the attention from him & by this time, I was 26 & I was ready to settle down.  I was tired of being single & getting my heart broken so I was more interested in devoting my attention to him than giving it to my friend who'd been there for me FOREVER.  & it stinks looking back now, because we're friends again but it'll never be the same.  It breaks my heart that I chose something so ridiculous over a friendship.  That said, it takes two & I'm not saying she wasn't to blame either, but the bulk of the burden is on me.  It still makes me sad.

But anyway.

We decided to keep in touch- I even bought a plane ticket to go see him two months later.  I never ended up using that plane ticket though, because about two weeks after I got back from that trip, I started dating my future husband.

But I'm getting WAY ahead of myself.  I've still got EIGHT years of relationships to tell before I get to him...

& for your listening enjoyment, a song about our military school loves:

The Army Boy.

When I got to Dental Tech "A" School, I was still engaged to Boyfriend #3.  It took me about .2 seconds to realize that I was NOT old enough or anywhere near ready to be married.  While Boyfriend #3 was an amazing guy, I couldn't see myself settling down & living "happily ever after" at the ripe old age of 18.

& if I'm being honest, there were SO MANY CUTE BOYS.  My school was on an Air Force base, but they managed to have every branch of the military on this base, & my school alone was Navy, Air Force, & Army.

So, instead of leading him on or being a crappy girl, I broke his heart.  I did it over the phone since I was in Texas & he in Colorado.  I was on a pay phone outside my barracks room in the hallway, telling him that I just wasn't ready.

I felt like shit.  He was so torn & dejected.  Not only did he lose his planned career in the Navy, but now he'd lost the girl he loved.  I'd like to say that I had a lot of guilt over it & waited a long time before moving on, but I didn't.  It's only in the last 7 or 8 years that I have REAL remorse over how I went about it.  He was truly a good man (still is) & I'm thankful to know that he's happily married now with a handful of adorable kids.

But back to the cute boys.  While in the "A" school- the three months I was there I dated one boy, but I had a special fleeting moment with an Army boy. I'll tell the story of the boy I dated in another post, as it sets up a story for Tony & I, EIGHT years later.

He was so cute.  He had pretty eyes & nice forearms (I've always had a weird thing for forearms, haha).  He was in my friend Brandy's class, which meant he was about a month behind me in school.  We were both the picture of innocence, & I have no doubt that we acted a lot tougher than we actually were.

I think I was a big jerk in school.  I wanted attention & if I didn't get it from one boy, I'd move on to the next.  I acted like I was so special when in reality I was a scared little fish in a big 'ol sea.  The Navy opened doors & things I'd never ever imagined.

I don't remember a lot of our conversations, but I do remember Brandy telling me that he really liked me.  I couldn't understand why he didn't pursue me even though I knew he liked me, after all, I was cool, right?  With my bad eyebrows & cigarettes, spouting off about how great the Dave Matthews Band was...

We ended up on a bench outside of the barracks one night & we kissed.  It was a really good kiss.  Again, I don't remember a lot of our conversations, but I'll NEVER forget that kiss.  Even now, if I meet someone with his name, I smile.  We became friends on facebook awhile back & every time he likes my status or a picture or something ridiculous, I smile.  I dated someone in Japan with the same first name with a few striking similarities & I still wonder if that was coincidence or not.

Years & years later, he told me that I was officially his first "successful" kiss & that he'd compared kisses to mine for a long time after that.  I was very flattered.  He also told me that he wrote a poem about me but never got the nerve to give it to me.

I asked him why he didn't pursue me or try to make a relationship out of our brief moment & he told me it was because of his low self esteem.  I found it really unfortunate because I'm fairly certain I liked (even still do) him better than the other boy that I dated.  True story.

It's probably a good thing he didn't.  I was a brat who thought I was entitled to everything.  I acted like a ridiculous little girl instead of a woman, I cussed like you wouldn't believe & never showed anyone the way I REALLY was for fear of being laughed at.  He probably wouldn't have liked me very much if I'd have shown him my true self.  I ended up transferring to England & all those years ago, I was fickle & my mind changed a lot.  I broke a number of hearts for years after but I got mine broke more often than not.

It's nice to think about what might have been though, & I'll never forget our special kiss on that bench.

(& I still wish I could read that poem...)

'Hold Me Now'

I'm mostly going to skip over Boyfriend #2.  I can't really remember many significant details about him other than his name, & the fact that the first time I ever skipped school, got drunk, or attempted pot for the first time- he was with me.  I became a smoker during our relationship.  We dated for a long time but truly, I'm not sure why.  When I left Hawaii we never spoke again & I only know that's he's doing okay because of the unfortunate luck that he's related to people I'm related to (through marriage, we were never doing the whole "kissing cousins" thing).

Boyfriend #3, however, had a HUGE influence on my life.

Once I'd made the decision to join the Navy & became part of the Delayed Entry Program, I spent a disturbing amount of time at the recruiters office.  I'd answer phones, listen to old sea stories, & in general pretend like I was a cool Navy girl.

I wasn't.

Boyfriend #3 & his older sister were both joining the Navy.  One day I was outside smoking with his sister & she said, "you should go out with my brother."  So I did.  My friend Alicia (who later became my sister) &  I went on a double date- 4 potential Navy folks, all in the DEP program.  We went to see 'The Waterboy' which I think is the second worst Adam Sandler movie (followed only by Billy Madison, mostly because I HATED the baby talk & the penguin).  That was in November of 1998, & we were an INSTANT couple.  It took about 30 seconds for us to fall in love.  I mean, we fell HARD.

Once I met the rest of his family I fell head over heels all over again.  He had (has) the most amazing, thoughtful parents ever & I loved his sister dearly.  Their home was so cozy & everyone was so warm & they had these 3 beautiful dogs & I couldn't imagine anything bad ever happening when I was around them.

Later on I realized that my obsession with the strong family unit never went away.  My most important relationships revolved around the boys families.  I know it has to do with my family- we're all a big 'ol mess & we love each other, but I never had the stable 'one mom, one dad, brothers & sisters' thing growing up.

Anyway.  He was so very passionate about his love for the Navy & wanting to do aviation in the Navy- he'd wanted to do it all his life.  He was so talented & funny & sweet & I really just loved him.

Three months later, on February 13th, 1999, he took me to Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs & asked me to marry him.  He'd done the correct thing by asking my parents beforehand (who said yes only because they knew if they'd have said no I'd probably have run away with him anyway).  It was a beautiful & idyllic proposal- one every girl dreams of & of course I said yes.  After all, we were so madly in love & we were going to be together forever.

We were so innocent.  So very young.  He left for boot camp like a week later & then a week or two after that, I left for boot camp on March 2, 1999.  We just knew that after boot camp we'd find a way to be together & somehow get stationed together everything would be just perfect.

It wasn't.  Turns out he ended up getting medically separated for reasons I won't mention- it's not my place.  I made it through boot camp with no problems, he didn't.  I think no matter how proud he was of me that he still resented me a little because I passed with flying colors.  He took a bus from Colorado to Illinois for my boot camp graduation.  He stayed in the hotel room with my mom & my granny & we got into an argument during liberty weekend.  He was so affectionate, you see, & I'd spent the last two months having next to NO physical contact & honestly, it weirded me out.  I just wasn't comfortable with him for the first time ever & I didn't know how to react.

It all blew over though.  I went home to walk in my high school graduation & after, drove from Colorado to Texas with him next to me.  We talked about where I'd get stationed, how he'd come with me wherever I went & we'd get married & live our happy little lives.

He didn't come with me though.  & we didn't live our happy little lives.