Thursday, April 18, 2013

'The Worst Part (Of a Broken Heart)'

Once I got to England, I discovered how vicious & ridiculous military boys could be.  The base I was at was incredibly small, & the boys swarmed after the new girls like flies.  I mean, it was pitiful.  I got there in August, & by October, I'd met the first person who would really & truly rip my heart out & stomp on it.

He was older than me.  4 years I think?  He'd been in England for awhile, & he played guitar.  He was in a little band with some of the other guys there & I thought he was amazing.

Now that I look back on it, I can't remember many details of our relationship.  He was the first boy I gave myself completely to.

We only dated for like six months.  It felt like so much longer & I spent every waking moment thinking of him.  He (being older & douchier) probably didn't have the same love for me, having been more experienced & just being different.

I guess it got to be too much for him.  We were always together, we practically lived in each other's barracks rooms (in the barracks there you could do whatever you wanted- there was no place to sign in, you could smoke in your room, etc.) & were always together.

Apparently I was too sarcastic for him, too blunt, too much of a bitch, too outspoken, etc.  One night we went to the NAF (the English bar on base) with a group of friends & were (seemingly) having a good time.  I guess we weren't, because afterwards we went back to my room & laying on my bed in the dark, he broke up with me.  Let out this big sigh & I'm like, "what's wrong?"  He said, "you don't want to know."  "Of course I want to know, I wouldn't have asked if I didn't." "I don't think this is going to work out."  

I sat there, stunned.  I gathered what was left of my pride, put out my cigarette, & said, "I think you should leave."

For months after that, I was the most pitiful girl you can imagine.  I cried my way through work most days- once or twice the dentist I worked for even sent me home because I was crying so hard I couldn't hand him instruments.  I was a far cry from the "tough" girl people see now.  I cried myself to sleep every night, wrote him letters about how we were meant to be, showed up at this door practically begging him to take me back, until finally, my granny called me one night & said, "let this be the last night you cry over that boy."

It was.  

I have no idea what ever happened to him.  I have no hard feelings & I certainly am not bitter over the ending of our relationship- it was YEARS ago.  I guess in a way I'm thankful for him for showing me how bad it could really be- I'm not sure my heart was ever broken that badly again.

& then I did the heartbreaking when I started dating a truly great guy afterwards.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

the song that's moving mountains in my life.

the song I can't stop listening to.

I think it's a sign.

You really should listen to it.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013


It's been one month since my beautiful sister-in-law was killed in a tragic bus accident. If you haven't heard about it or don't know the story, read about it herehere, & here.

If you want to donate to my awesome nephew's scholarship fund you can do so here.

I've been wondering, praying, & debating if I should even post about her because I'm not sure my pitiful excuse for "writing" will do her justice.

The first time I met Kristie, I liked her.  Those of you who really know me know that I don't really like people, haha.  I was drawn to Tony's family from the first instant I met them, especially when they welcomed me with open arms almost immediately after he broke up with his ex-fiance.

I said when I was in Baltimore for Kristie's funeral that there probably wasn't a single person out in the world that had a bad thing to say about her.  I can name at least ten people, right now, that don't like me.  Kristie was different.

Kristie shined.  She lit up a room with a stunning personality & beauty & wit to match.  She didn't drink yet she was always the life of the party.  She made people feel at home & always knew the right thing to say to just about anyone.

She gave willingly of herself & the first time I met her, she was quick to tell me that she could see a difference in her brother since he'd started dating me.  Considering Tony & I were together about .2 seconds before he moved in & we got engaged, I laughed it off.  When his mom told me the same thing, I listened.

Something about the Trionfo family drew me in.  They are a force to be reckoned with, a gang of sorts that sticks together through thick & thin.  Kristie was a huge part of the puzzle that is the family.  She would make you laugh or say something so outrageous you weren't sure whether or not to laugh or be offended or what, then you'd realize that she probably never offended anyone.

She was the kind of person we all look up to- you know, the one who knows what she wants to do then goes after it 110% & makes it happen.  She wasn't floundering around at 32 not knowing what to do with her life (like someone else we know, cough cough).  She mentored students in the form of a Lacrosse coach that has since affected the Lacrosse community like nothing I've ever seen.

I'd never even heard of Lacrosse until I met Tony.  I know that sounds ridiculous to a lot of people, but in Arizona, at least during my childhood, it wasn't something anyone played.  From what I understand it's all over the place now.

I've been writing this post for a few days.  Today, another tragedy has hit our country.  It doesn't hit as close to home for me as Kristie's accident, but it certainly leaves me to wonder about the state of our country & where things are headed.  There was a bombing at the Boston Marathon & people have been killed & injured & it's just awful.

Where is this world going?  When I wrote about doing things & having passion & looking foolish (here) those were just words.  Of course I meant them.  Of course I believe them.  Of course I WANT to be passionate & truly DO things.  But in the grand scheme of things I want to be like those people running.  I want to be like Kristie.  Doing the things that I love & having no fear of where that will lead me.

Our world is a scary place.  If we don't love & live like there's no tomorrow we'll just end up hurting ourselves & wishing we'd done more.

I'm still so sad about Kristie & Jackson.  Kristie was such a force & so full of life.  I'm so upset that she was killed.  My faith in our Lord has been shaken & now I see what happened in Boston & it shakes me even more.

I can't freaking understand WHY these things happen.  I can't stop thinking about something my mother-in-law said while I was in Baltimore last month- "Man, God must think we're really strong to take two from us."  How is it possible that this amazing woman had just lost her daughter & grandson & she STILL has faith in God?  I've been so upset & so frustrated with him for months- not just since Kristie was killed.  I don't know how/when I'm going to get that trust back.  I'm trying, I really am.

I just want life to even out.  I feel like the last few months have been ridiculous.  Kristie's sister-in-law on the other side posted on facebook today that if Kristie were here, she'd already be doing something to help the people in Boston.  I agree.  I hope more than anything that people stand up.

The problem with standing up is that this is what happens every time, EVERY TIME there's a tragedy.  Something hideous & awful happens in our country & people band together & talk about how much they love America then it all fades away like dust & no one gives a damn until something awful happens again.

Let's maybe get our crap together & band together a little more.  Let's love people ALL THE TIME instead of when something shitty happens or when it benefits us.

Damnit, I want my sister-in-law back & those innocent people in Boston, too.  I want to have my faith back.  I want to feel like there is good in the world.  Realistically, I KNOW there is.  I know there are people who give a damn all the time & I know they work hard to make this world a better place.

"My faith is dead, I need a resurrection, somehow."

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

'Stay (Wasting Time)'

I think everyone in the military has someone in either boot camp or "A" school (or tech school or whatever it's called for whatever branch) that they meet & have feelings for.

Aside from my sweet Army boy (read about him here), there was an Air Force boy in "A" school that also captured my heart.

I met him on the smoke deck.  He had these deep blue eyes that seemed endless & looked like the boy next door.  He talked about music like I did (do).  I've not encountered many people with the same passion for the same bands.

We'd smoke & talk & act cool, like most 18-19 year old kids do.  Who knows what the heck kept us entertained for so long but we spent a lot of time together.  I'd drink my pink Sobe (by the way, if you google images for "pink sobe" some pretty crazy stuff comes up) & smoke my Newports while we talked about Dave Matthews Band or Daft Punk or whatever else was in at the time.

He'd leave me little notes at the front desk of my barracks, wishing me luck on a test or saying hi (this was before cell phones & text messaging, obviously)...

One night at a park, drinking underage (I plead the fifth on who supplied it), we walked down this path together & I could hear Dave Matthew's 'Stay (Wasting Time)' playing in the background.  He kissed me & I decided (like I did with most boys until I ACTUALLY meant it with Tony) that he & I were meant to be.

Coincidentally, he had the same first name as Boyfriend #3.  I'd call him "..... #2" which is both ridiculous & hilarious now... I was such a child.

When I got orders, I found out I was transferring to England.  I was beyond excited.  He ended up going to Ohio.

I think I knew in my heart that he & I weren't going to make it, but then again we'd never "officially" dated either.  We exchanged a few letters after I left, but it wasn't until 7 years later that I talked to him again.

Thanks to him, I developed my love for DMB.  I'd liked them prior to us meeting, but I LOVED them after.

I found him on myspace, of all places.  Remember myspace?  Before facebook?  Haha, I tracked him down years later when I was stationed in South Carolina & we got back in touch.  About 6 months later (making it 8 years since I'd seen him), I took a trip to see my beloved friend Brandy (from "A" school, who was in the class with the Army boy).  She lived a few hours away from him so we went to visit him.

It was ridiculous, the whole thing, looking back on it.  I did some crappy things to an amazing friend & I'd take it all back if I could considering how much of a loser he turned out to be.  I love you, Brandy.

I wanted to be with him.  He looked different in the fact that he'd gained some weight & had facial hair, but he still had those eyes & I still liked attention so I went for it.  But he also had a deep love for marijuana, which, honestly, I think is pitiful.  When it so consumes your life that you can't go a day or two without it, there's a problem.  He bitched about my smoking, but at least it wasn't illegal, ha.

I didn't do what a good friend would do & deep down, I knew it.  I was more interested in the attention from him & by this time, I was 26 & I was ready to settle down.  I was tired of being single & getting my heart broken so I was more interested in devoting my attention to him than giving it to my friend who'd been there for me FOREVER.  & it stinks looking back now, because we're friends again but it'll never be the same.  It breaks my heart that I chose something so ridiculous over a friendship.  That said, it takes two & I'm not saying she wasn't to blame either, but the bulk of the burden is on me.  It still makes me sad.

But anyway.

We decided to keep in touch- I even bought a plane ticket to go see him two months later.  I never ended up using that plane ticket though, because about two weeks after I got back from that trip, I started dating my future husband.

But I'm getting WAY ahead of myself.  I've still got EIGHT years of relationships to tell before I get to him...

& for your listening enjoyment, a song about our military school loves:

Saturday, April 6, 2013

The Army Boy.

When I got to Dental Tech "A" School, I was still engaged to Boyfriend #3.  It took me about .2 seconds to realize that I was NOT old enough or anywhere near ready to be married.  While Boyfriend #3 was an amazing guy, I couldn't see myself settling down & living "happily ever after" at the ripe old age of 18.

& if I'm being honest, there were SO MANY CUTE BOYS.  My school was on an Air Force base, but they managed to have every branch of the military on this base, & my school alone was Navy, Air Force, & Army.

So, instead of leading him on or being a crappy girl, I broke his heart.  I did it over the phone since I was in Texas & he in Colorado.  I was on a pay phone outside my barracks room in the hallway, telling him that I just wasn't ready.

I felt like shit.  He was so torn & dejected.  Not only did he lose his planned career in the Navy, but now he'd lost the girl he loved.  I'd like to say that I had a lot of guilt over it & waited a long time before moving on, but I didn't.  It's only in the last 7 or 8 years that I have REAL remorse over how I went about it.  He was truly a good man (still is) & I'm thankful to know that he's happily married now with a handful of adorable kids.

But back to the cute boys.  While in the "A" school- the three months I was there I dated one boy, but I had a special fleeting moment with an Army boy. I'll tell the story of the boy I dated in another post, as it sets up a story for Tony & I, EIGHT years later.

He was so cute.  He had pretty eyes & nice forearms (I've always had a weird thing for forearms, haha).  He was in my friend Brandy's class, which meant he was about a month behind me in school.  We were both the picture of innocence, & I have no doubt that we acted a lot tougher than we actually were.

I think I was a big jerk in school.  I wanted attention & if I didn't get it from one boy, I'd move on to the next.  I acted like I was so special when in reality I was a scared little fish in a big 'ol sea.  The Navy opened doors & things I'd never ever imagined.

I don't remember a lot of our conversations, but I do remember Brandy telling me that he really liked me.  I couldn't understand why he didn't pursue me even though I knew he liked me, after all, I was cool, right?  With my bad eyebrows & cigarettes, spouting off about how great the Dave Matthews Band was...

We ended up on a bench outside of the barracks one night & we kissed.  It was a really good kiss.  Again, I don't remember a lot of our conversations, but I'll NEVER forget that kiss.  Even now, if I meet someone with his name, I smile.  We became friends on facebook awhile back & every time he likes my status or a picture or something ridiculous, I smile.  I dated someone in Japan with the same first name with a few striking similarities & I still wonder if that was coincidence or not.

Years & years later, he told me that I was officially his first "successful" kiss & that he'd compared kisses to mine for a long time after that.  I was very flattered.  He also told me that he wrote a poem about me but never got the nerve to give it to me.

I asked him why he didn't pursue me or try to make a relationship out of our brief moment & he told me it was because of his low self esteem.  I found it really unfortunate because I'm fairly certain I liked (even still do) him better than the other boy that I dated.  True story.

It's probably a good thing he didn't.  I was a brat who thought I was entitled to everything.  I acted like a ridiculous little girl instead of a woman, I cussed like you wouldn't believe & never showed anyone the way I REALLY was for fear of being laughed at.  He probably wouldn't have liked me very much if I'd have shown him my true self.  I ended up transferring to England & all those years ago, I was fickle & my mind changed a lot.  I broke a number of hearts for years after but I got mine broke more often than not.

It's nice to think about what might have been though, & I'll never forget our special kiss on that bench.

(& I still wish I could read that poem...)

Friday, April 5, 2013

'Hold Me Now'

I'm mostly going to skip over Boyfriend #2.  I can't really remember many significant details about him other than his name, & the fact that the first time I ever skipped school, got drunk, or attempted pot for the first time- he was with me.  I became a smoker during our relationship.  We dated for a long time but truly, I'm not sure why.  When I left Hawaii we never spoke again & I only know that's he's doing okay because of the unfortunate luck that he's related to people I'm related to (through marriage, we were never doing the whole "kissing cousins" thing).

Boyfriend #3, however, had a HUGE influence on my life.

Once I'd made the decision to join the Navy & became part of the Delayed Entry Program, I spent a disturbing amount of time at the recruiters office.  I'd answer phones, listen to old sea stories, & in general pretend like I was a cool Navy girl.

I wasn't.

Boyfriend #3 & his older sister were both joining the Navy.  One day I was outside smoking with his sister & she said, "you should go out with my brother."  So I did.  My friend Alicia (who later became my sister) &  I went on a double date- 4 potential Navy folks, all in the DEP program.  We went to see 'The Waterboy' which I think is the second worst Adam Sandler movie (followed only by Billy Madison, mostly because I HATED the baby talk & the penguin).  That was in November of 1998, & we were an INSTANT couple.  It took about 30 seconds for us to fall in love.  I mean, we fell HARD.

Once I met the rest of his family I fell head over heels all over again.  He had (has) the most amazing, thoughtful parents ever & I loved his sister dearly.  Their home was so cozy & everyone was so warm & they had these 3 beautiful dogs & I couldn't imagine anything bad ever happening when I was around them.

Later on I realized that my obsession with the strong family unit never went away.  My most important relationships revolved around the boys families.  I know it has to do with my family- we're all a big 'ol mess & we love each other, but I never had the stable 'one mom, one dad, brothers & sisters' thing growing up.

Anyway.  He was so very passionate about his love for the Navy & wanting to do aviation in the Navy- he'd wanted to do it all his life.  He was so talented & funny & sweet & I really just loved him.

Three months later, on February 13th, 1999, he took me to Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs & asked me to marry him.  He'd done the correct thing by asking my parents beforehand (who said yes only because they knew if they'd have said no I'd probably have run away with him anyway).  It was a beautiful & idyllic proposal- one every girl dreams of & of course I said yes.  After all, we were so madly in love & we were going to be together forever.

We were so innocent.  So very young.  He left for boot camp like a week later & then a week or two after that, I left for boot camp on March 2, 1999.  We just knew that after boot camp we'd find a way to be together & somehow get stationed together everything would be just perfect.

It wasn't.  Turns out he ended up getting medically separated for reasons I won't mention- it's not my place.  I made it through boot camp with no problems, he didn't.  I think no matter how proud he was of me that he still resented me a little because I passed with flying colors.  He took a bus from Colorado to Illinois for my boot camp graduation.  He stayed in the hotel room with my mom & my granny & we got into an argument during liberty weekend.  He was so affectionate, you see, & I'd spent the last two months having next to NO physical contact & honestly, it weirded me out.  I just wasn't comfortable with him for the first time ever & I didn't know how to react.

It all blew over though.  I went home to walk in my high school graduation & after, drove from Colorado to Texas with him next to me.  We talked about where I'd get stationed, how he'd come with me wherever I went & we'd get married & live our happy little lives.

He didn't come with me though.  & we didn't live our happy little lives.

The Worst Kiss.

(all names have been changed or omitted to keep people from getting all pissy)

My guidelines for this project:
-Men might not want to read this.  If you do, be warned.  There's girly stuff in here that might bug you.
-First off, I'm not going to mention boys that I liked for a week or two or whatever.  This series is about real live relationships that I've had.
- Except one or two.  There were one or two boys that I had a brief moment with that will forever stick with me, so they'll be part of this.
- If you're easily offended, don't want to read about boys I've kissed or whatever (sorry Tony, you know I love you), then tune out.  I'm not going to keep this crap in anymore.
-I don't plan to post actual dialog, unless it fits.  I'll save the conversations for my book & just stick to the stories.
- I'll keep steamy scenes to myself.  This is more about how entertaining my relationships have been or random things that have happened vs. my sex life leading up to my husband or lack thereof.
- If by some chance we dated & you suspect the story is about you & you find yourself offended or have a LEGIT problem with it, let me know.  Perhaps we can work something out, like I tell you to kiss my fat pregnant ass. Chances are, you broke my heart in some incredibly douchey way & deserve to be badmouthed via my personal blog.  I'm never going to be famous so be thankful I'm not Taylor Swift writing songs about you.

Story #1: The WORST Kiss Ever

Sixth grade.  It was totally one of those moments that we all laugh about now.  It's recess & a boy walks up to me & my friend & says, "He (pointing to Future Boyfriend #1) wants to know if you'll be his girlfriend."  I had no idea really what this would come to mean but he had pretty brown eyes & so I said, "tell him yes."

Two years later, we'd broken up & gotten back together probably five times.  This was our pattern & our relationship up until the last time I saw him, when I was 23 or so.  So for 12(ish) years, I had some kind of magnet that drew me to him.  I moved away after 8th grade so I'd only see him when we went to Arizona on vacation or after I joined the Navy, when I went home on leave.

He bought me my very first skateboard, my very first pair of Doc Martens, & introduced me to good grunge/alternative music vs. Salt 'n Pepa & SWV (whom I also still love, ha!). We'd sit on the phone for hours & talk about nothing & hold hands during recess.  He also gave me my very first french kiss.

Here's how it went.  A group of us were all at a friends house, listening to Beck ("getting crazy with the cheeze whiz")- I think- in his bedroom.  The friend had been dating my friend Melissa for like a week & they were poking fun at Boyfriend #1 & I because we'd been together two years & had yet to kiss.  So he's all, "hey Melissa." & she turns to him & they kiss.  I guess Boyfriend #1 decided he had something to prove then.

We're sitting on this waterbed & Boyfriend #1 is next to me & he's all, "Brandis." so I turn towards him & he like throws me on the bed, shoves his tongue down my throat & is doing this crazy drooly thing where I'm suddenly feeling nauseous.  When we broke apart, our braces had cut the inside of each others' lips (some of you remember this story as I told it in high school- here's where I confess that part of that story was a lie to sound cool, we did not, in fact, get stuck together) & I was seriously feeling like I was going to throw up.  Boyfriend #1 is all shrugging, like, "see, it's no big deal" to our friends who had looked on for the whole event.

It was probably another year or two before I kissed him again & I'm thankful that in time, he learned how to do it much better.

Another story about Boyfriend #1 involves a school dance & a young girl crying in the bathroom.  In true 90's fashion, our "song" was one of heartbreak & misery- 'Far Behind' by Candlebox.  I played the shit out of that tape until I got it on c.d., then it became a scratched mess.  I still have it though. :)

The dance.  I spent a good portion of the dance doing work for student council.  I think I was Vice-President that year?  I know I was secretary in 7th grade.  Haha!  Anyway, then when it came time for me to find Boyfriend #1 (who didn't play sports or student council or anything, if I'm remembering correctly he was kind of a young "bad boy" & I'm pretty sure he dropped out of high school), he was nowhere to be found.  I asked some of our friends, who said he was outside talking to some girl.  Man did I get pissed.

So I told the DJ (another friend of ours) to play "our song" because I figured when he heard it come on, he'd come inside so we could dance or whatever.

The song came on, he never showed.  I ended up in the bathroom in true drama queen style, crying for a good portion of the evening.  I think we broke up that night but it probably wasn't for longer than a week or so.

Another time- he did something SO sweet, so wonderful, that I'm still thankful to this day.  In junior high, embarrassing things happen.  On one particular day, I happened to start my period in the middle of the day.  It was still new to me so I hadn't gotten the hang of being prepared (now I ALWAYS have a freaking tampon, you know what I'm talking about girls)... I bled through my clothes.  I was so embarrassed & was unable to get in touch with anyone at home to get clean clothes or have someone come pick me up.  A friend of mine loaned me her flannel to tie around my waist (it was the 90's, haha- even in AZ we rocked flannels) but the damage had been done.  Even though I was relatively popular (I think everyone is popular at a K-8 school) people still laughed & pointed.  Boyfriend #1 NEVER mentioned it.  Held my hand through it all, even picked me up, threw me over his shoulder & took off running after lunch.  To this day, he's never mentioned it to me or laughed at me.  That was when I knew I loved him, even as a young girl.

This is how it went with us.  He'd piss me off, we'd break up & vice versa.  It wasn't until I was in my twenties that I realized he & I were NOT compatible, there were MUCH better guys out there to be with, & hoping he'd eventually come around & sweep me back off my feet was nothing but a silly fantasy from a silly girl.  He was really good at telling me he'd keep in touch or telling me that there was no one else but me & never follow through with his promises.

From what I understand, he's married now.  I don't know if he has any kids or how he's doing, but I hope he's well.  I spent SO many years wanting to be "happily ever after" with him & I was so bitter when my mom took us out of Arizona so I could no longer be with him.  Eventually I got over that bitterness & grew to be thankful.  If I'd stayed, I probably would have married him.  But I would never have left Casa Grande, never have done anything with my life, & seen the things I've seen.  I still think of him every year on his birthday, or of course, if I hear 'Far Behind.'

Oh, how I wish most of my stuff wasn't in storage!  I'd totally post pictures of me & all my awkwardness at these school dances & the old days of 90's grunge... it was SUCH a fun time & I truly love it.  But I will post this photo I swiped from pinterest, to show what my sweet Docs look like:
oh, 90's, how I loved thee!

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Here We Go...

This is one of those posts I've debated for awhile.

 My original plan had been to do a series of "stories" all leading up to me tying them together for my (someday) book.  The problem, of course, is that I wanted to do an exaggerated tale of my love life (until I met Tony, of course)- because let's face it- if you know me you know how ridiculous a lot of my relationships have been.  The question is, would it offend anyone?  I do have a few exes on facebook, although I doubt they take the time to read my blog. Would people be able to distinguish between real/story & would it end up making people not like me?  Would it be easier to just let it go?

This is probably the #1 reason I've not started my story yet.  I guess I'm not following my previous post about not being afraid to look foolish because I'm kind of terrified to start this story.  I don't know why.  I think it could be fun...

My new cover photo on facebook says it all:

So I guess I'll make that my plan for my next blog post, starting with my first ever boyfriend.  Ya'll that don't know the story will get a kick out of it. :)

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

memory lane.

I've met A LOT of people in my life.  Us military people know that we're all over the place & we'll meet hordes of people & half of them we'll never see again or think of & we'll randomly become facebook friends with people we barely knew just because we were stationed together.

Once in awhile, you meet people who touch you.  You meet people you think about more often than you're sure they think of you.  You meet people you have one special fleeting moment with & that's it.  You meet people who surprise you, years later.  You meet people who matter.

I've had the fortunate luck of making some pretty fantastic friends.  I don't talk to half of them near as often as I'd like- truthfully there's a few out there that probably don't even consider me a friend anymore but I'll never think of them in any other way.

I've had a few relationships.  Most were utter failures, some were sweet, all were lessons.  I'm thankful for all of them (save one or two) for the things I've learned.

It's interesting to me the things you learn from people.  I've spent the last two days venturing down memory lane in more ways than one.  I've been stuck on the Lithium channel on Sirius/XM for days (it's 90's alternative/grunge for those of you who don't know).  It brings back all sorts of memories from junior high up until my first year in the Navy.

Then, out of the blue, I reconnected with an old friend from my (very) early Navy days.  We chatted for a long time & truly, it was good for my soul.  Part of our conversation didn't hurt my ego, either. :)

In light of what happened to my beautiful sister-in-law (which I'm gathering the nerve to write about... eventually) I want to be more open with people.  The truth is, you never know.  People come & go & half the time you don't say the things you want to say for fear of what they'll think or how they'll react.  You choose not to say anything because you're scared you'll be hurt or turned down or look foolish.  But if we're always afraid to look foolish we'll never DO anything worth being foolish over, will we?

Love.  Friendship.  Beauty.  Music.  LIFE.  The things that matter are most often the things we ignore, planning on another day or another time or looking for a better way to say something as simple as "I love you. I think you're awesome.  I think you're special."  WHATEVER.

Why are we so afraid to be open with each other?  Why don't we ever stop to think, "I might not see this person again?"

I hope, hope, hope all of my family & friends know, really KNOW how important they are to me.  I hope that I can make the time to tell each & every one of you.  I hope that I can find what it is I have a passion for & pursue it, so that when I go- whether it happens tomorrow or years from now- that people can say I LIVED for something.  Not just that I lived.  That I had a passion, an unbreakable passion, to DO something.

Most of what I do, day in & day out, is trivial shit that most people don't think twice about.  But I'm taking care of my family.  Taking care of those I love & really, I should take pride in that.  I should.  Because I work hard.  I might not be out curing diseases or saving the world or doing something BIG- but now's not my time.

My time is coming.  One day, it'll be all about me & I'll chase the dreams I'm afraid to chase.  I'll do it.

In the meantime, I'll continue to (sporadically) write here.  Until I get the balls to write that book. ;)
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