Those two words are so easy to say. Often we choose not to say them, assuming that we're in the right or that the other person won't forgive us so what's the point?
& another time to say it is the absolute worst: when we don't mean it.
I've told the boys more than once that I'm sorry. At the time I certainly mean it, but I continue to repeat the same mistakes, which means I'm probably not as sorry as I think I am.
Today my sweet friend Tiffany posted this blog post on facebook. It was probably 15 minutes after Tony & I had a conversation about where (I feel) I'm failing as a mother. As I stood near a tree, watching the boys play with the hose for the millionth time after a million times of telling them not to, tears streaming down my face (for the second time today)- I looked up & thought, "it's just water."
We're all failing in some places. Where someone reads a blog post & cries about the things they don't do or the things they do & where they feel they fall short. How we're all less than perfect & how parenting is hard, yo. Some moms yell too much, some moms ignore, some moms hide in closets & cry, some moms eat until they get sick because they have nothing else to turn to, some moms do it ALL by themselves with no help. Some moms seem to have it all together but deep down, they're falling apart just like the rest of us. You know what? I've done ALL of the things I just mentioned.
~I have friends who take the Orange Rhino Challenge & I feel like they're Supermom, where I've compared myself a million times to them & wondered WHY I can't just be an awesome mom like her.
~I have friends who post these amazing pictures of their children doing super fun things & I think, "why don't I have the patience to do that too?"
~I have friends whose children are all in school so while the kids are gone, they do whatever they feel like doing, & leisurely enjoy their day.
~I have friends who have no routine with their kids but their kids are calm, consistently listen, & don't run around all crazy.
~I have friends who do this & that & even more...
~the list goes on.
& yet, at the end of the day, we're all just doing our best, aren't we?
So, I just want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry to my boys for yelling when they are doing typical kid stuff. I'm sorry when I look at them playing with a water hose & instead of smiling & seeing them giggle when one splashes the other I see a mess to clean up. I'm sorry that I only see us living in a home that feels like glass because it's not childproofed my way therefore I'm watching them like a hawk every second because God forbid something that isn't ours gets broken. I'm sorry that I try so hard to make everyone around me happy that I don't focus on what is important- watching my 4 & 2 year old BE 4 & 2. I'm sorry that I feel like I'm being pulled in twenty different directions & therefore I take out my frustrations on two amazing little boys who are really just trying to survive the same crap I'm working through- sharing a room with their mom, living under someone else's roof with different rules, being away from their daddy, & not knowing half the things we usually know.
I'm so very sorry. I hope that I can remember next time I see them playing where they shouldn't that this is only temporary. Three weeks from tomorrow we'll be driving to Florida to start our new life there with our own home & our own set of rules.
I'm sure it will still be hard. There will still be times I yell or get frustrated. But I hope I can remember that the things they get into are just that- things. The things that aren't important.
Because you know what's important? Remembering that time is fleeting & in light of what's happened with Kristie, the Boston marathon, the plant in West, Texas, & the tornadoes in Oklahoma- you just never know.
So what's important to me today? Remembering that it's just water. & remembering that these two little boys are so very special & I need to work more on taking care of them AND me, & not worry so much about the world around us & making others happy.