I have no excuse. & this post is almost guaranteed to be full of depression.
Speaking of which, I'm fairly certain that my old struggles with depression are coming back to bite me in the ass.
The issues we've had since we've moved to Wyoming have worn me down. My marriage isn't the way it used to be, we've had NOTHING but bad luck since we got here, & the only thing that brings sunshine into my life is those two amazing boys I have the luck of loving.
Since we've moved here, we've dealt with a miscarriage, Tony being gone all the time, rejected job offers, not being able to keep a job, getting up to our ears in debt, losing family members & friends, sick babies, sick friends & family, you name it.
Since we've moved here, I've been trying SO hard to get closer to God & consistently failing every time. My mother in law tells me that the closer you get to God, the more the Devil steps in to ruin your plans. I guess that's true, but us not being able to catch a break makes it even harder to have faith.
I question God when I see bad news, like babies dying or good people being hurt. I question God when we get bill after bill that we can't pay, when I've applied for a gazillion jobs with no luck. I question God entirely too much more than I should- but I'm new at this whole religion thing, so I guess it's a learning process.
I wish I had the time or energy or devotion to read the bible. I wish someone would sit down with me & tell me HOW to read the bible, how to be a follower, how to pray, & how to do it the right way. I'm sure some would say there's no right way to follow or read, but I don't know enough about it to know where to begin.
I wish I had less frustration with my boys. I'm so incredibly blessed with them & I know that overall I'm a good mom. But I wish I could be a better mom. I wish I could bite my tongue instead of yelling at Cody when he's done something he knows he shouldn't do for the millionth time. I wish I could find the energy to clean my house more. I wish I loved on my dogs more. I wish I could exercise more. I wish I could lose another 30 lbs. I wish I could afford to buy myself some new clothes since I'm tired of wearing the same too big, two year old jeans.
Wish, wish, wish. What about the people who don't get wishes? My selfishness never stops. There are so many who only wish they had what I have, not what I wish for.
I know I'm lucky. I know I'm blessed. But I still wish my little family could catch a break or get some good news.
I've made a medical appointment for this coming Monday to talk to the doctor. If my depression is coming back, then maybe I need to take some happy pills again. If it will give me a better outlook, then I'm all for it.