end of my rope.

I haven't slept in a month. My sweet newborn cries all the time he's awake, unless he's nursing. He still sleeps more than most newborns should, at least in my opinion. I have an appointment tomorrow at the Children's Hospital in Denver for a swallow study to try and figure out what's wrong with him. I'm worried and I want him to be better.

Cody is the King of temper tantrums and I'm scared that I'm doing a really shitty job raising the two of them. After church yesterday I felt so much better because Pastor Jeff did a sermon about parenting- and I didn't feel so alone with my fears. Then Tony tripped out today and it was just me and the boys all day and I just don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.

I feel like I can't divide my attention between the two and every other part of my life is crumbling. I haven't done any serious housework since the beginning of October, and I know people think it's not important, but it's important to me. I'm behind on schoolwork, failing my math class, and I'm so exhausted I can't hardly stand it.

I know I'll never be perfect, or the perfect parent, but I want so badly to be a good mother to these boys. I need to learn to listen to God. I need to make time for him, and I feel like I don't know how.

Right now, what I need most is sleep. I'm praying that Sawyer will let me have some tonight.