my weight.

For the last few years, before I was pregnant with Cody & after both pregnancies, I've been overweight.  Not necessarily obese & certainly not morbidly obese, but overweight.  & I'm tired of it.  Pregnancies or no pregnancies, it's time to get healthy.

I'm not looking to be ridiculously skinny or look like some sickly supermodel, I'm just looking to be healthy.  So, I feel like if I put it all out there for my millions, dozens, few readers, maybe it will help motivate me.

So tonight was #2 in the 30 day shred.  It's not easy but it's not hard either- I feel like if I can stick with this for 30 days then I'll be used to it enough to continue with more intense workouts.

Here are my stats (embarrassing as they may be):
weight- 209
arms- 12"
waist- 35"
hips- 47"

My "goal" weight is around 170, but mostly I want to fit into my old clothes & be comfortable with myself, regardless of what a scale says.

Anyway, there it is.  It's time to take care of myself.

Jillian Michaels= EVIL.

I just started the 30 Day Shred (again, for the 3rd time in the last year & a half).  Jillian Michaels is so evil.  It's such a good workout & I remember losing weight the first time I did it so I'm on a mission to do it again, this time without stopping.  There's no reason I can't find 30 minutes everyday to do it for the next month, at least until we go to Texas.

So, go me!

boredom.

This is my life.

Kids, schoolwork, housework.  Rinse, repeat.

My biggest excitement is when Cody learns a new word or phrase or Sawyer reaches a milestone.  I live for the days Tony trips in so we can be bored together.  We don't have enough money to go out & do stuff & it's too cold to do free things.

I need something exciting in my life, pronto.

a lot.

I've had a lot on my mind lately.  I'm not sure what it is about Tony's schedule, but when he's gone I often find myself questioning my ability as a mom.  I've been trying to find a balance between school, the boys, & housework for months no with no luck.  It's gotten easier as far as handling the boys alone, but it's still tough.  I've been working on my relationship with Christ but I know that's not enough.  My house is never clean enough & my homework never gets enough attention.

I feel like I'm trying to do too much but I have no choice.  If I don't go to school, I have to work.  We can't afford for me to be a stay at home mom any other way.  If I don't keep my house clean, I feel like a failure.  & when I'm trying to give Sawyer attention or a bottle or whatever, I can't play with Cody at the same time.  It breaks my heart when I'm feeding Sawyer & Cody is down in the playroom calling for me to come play with him.  So I go down to be near him but I still have to feed Sawyer.  & I've always said I WILL NOT be the mom who puts their kid in front of the t.v., so I'm trying to create all these activities for Cody since it's too cold to go outside.

I've said before that I want more than anything to be a good mother.  I know that God blessed me with these boys because he knew I could be trusted to raise them the best way I can.  I just wish I felt like I were more capable.  I see some of my other mom friends who seem to have so much more together than me, & maybe it's all a show & they're just as worried as I am.  I just want to be able to take care of them.  But at the same time I feel as though I'm losing myself.  I (very) rarely get time to myself & there's so many things I want to do- but at this point I feel as though I'll never do them.

I am thankful for Tony.  His schedule is garbage, but I love the four days off he gets at a time.  He helps more than I give him credit for when he is here & tries his best to do things the way they're done when he's not here.

I wish I could give myself a break.  I know I need one.

three years.

I know it's not a long time by a lot of standards, but today is my 3 year anniversary with Tony.  We've made it longer than most Hollywood couples, right?!?!

I'm proud to call him my husband.  He's a good man, a wonderful father, & there's no one else I'd rather spend my days with.

Happy Anniversary, Tony.  I love you.

visitors.

One of my three best friends & her girlfriend are coming to visit me!  They're on the road tonight & will be here by tomorrow morning.  I haven't seen her in almost two years & I'm SUPER excited!  It's going to be awesome to see her again.

practice what I preach.

In the last few days, I've had a few people tell me that they find comfort in my new relationship with God. Since I've started this journey, it's been a whirlwind of emotion & I can only say that I'm so thankful to have gotten to where I am.

I have a very, very. very long way to go though. & it's time to make it happen. I want more than anything to raise my children the right way & I want to stand in Christ's light. I need to make some changes- my starting point is much further than I've ever been, but I'm not close enough. I want to KNOW God.

My main goal is to continue reading the bible, every day. I can't talk about it if I don't know what I'm talking about- so now I need to stop making excuses & start making time.

the kitchen floor.

After a (very) rough two days, I am busting my butt to get this house clean & prepared for the arrival of one of my BFF's this coming Sunday.  My dear sweet amigo Kristi is coming to visit, & I'm putting on the dog.

So, with that, I made it my mission to get the house clean.  Ever tried to clean with an almost two year old, almost 5 month old, and two drooling basset hounds?  It's not as easy as it sounds.

So, tonight, I swept & mopped the kitchen floor.  I give it 30 minutes until it's a disaster all over again.

It's time to get some spring cleaning going on in this house.

On another note, my pretty awesome husband comes home tomorrow!  So I probably shouldn't clean too much, since he pretty much trashes it whenever he gets home, too.

Wyoming Stinks.

When Tony is in the field I am constantly thinking of fun things I can do with the boys so we're not sitting around the house watching t.v.  We play in Cody's play room & color, paint, build forts, etc., but Cody's favorite thing in the world is playing outside.  Today it's sunny & from the window, it looks like a beautiful day.  Sadly, it's chilly & ridiculously windy.

The wind drives me crazy.  I want to take the boys outside & let Cody run around & have fun, but it isn't really an option.

I hate it.  He's not going to want to leave Texas next month when we go visit.
I wish I were more creative at coming up for things for us to do.

my first ever DIY project.

This was a big thing for me.  About 2 years ago, Tony & I went to this awesome salvage yard in South Carolina & let with a crapton of cool, old, crap.  I had every intention of turning that crap into constructive, useful things.

Fast forward 2 years & NONE of it has been done.  So I finally tackled project number one, & I'm pretty darn proud of the results.  It's not perfect, but it's a darn good start.  So, here it is.

From this:

(old window)

To this:

Ta-da!  My new country memo board.
I heart it.

The big 3-0.

This past Thursday was my 30th birthday.  It wasn't as bad as I anticipated, honestly I think I made a bigger deal out of it than need be.

It was a FABULOUS day.  Early in the morning, Tony had to go to medical to fight with Tricare, so I stayed home with the boys.  When he came home, he surprised me with this:

I asked him to take it back because God knows we can't afford it.  He refused by saying that I never buy anything for myself & that I never do anything for myself, so I deserved it.  I wish I could say I made him, but I caved because I've been wanting this camera for like 2 years.  Also, with our tax return I had ordered this;

which I had wanted ever since I was pregnant with Sawyer, & it arrived on my birthday.  

The boys & I went out for lunch, then ran a few errands.  After that we came home & I went to shop at Ross & TJ Maxx with the money my awesome in-laws had sent me & buy some groceries.  Then I came home, we had dinner, & watched the Big Bang Theory.

All in all, I'd say it was a pretty darn good 30th birthday.

I'm so blessed. :)

The life of a cop.

I was never a "real" Police Officer.  I'm not ashamed to admit that.  I was a Navy Master-At-Arms & a VA Police Officer for a brief moment in time.

But what I wouldn't give to be a real cop.  To be able to help people, to solve mysteries, to feel like I was really making a difference.

I used to put on my uniform everyday & think nothing of it.  Sure, once in awhile I felt proud of myself for serving my country, but I never thought I was doing anything particularly spectacular.  Since I've gotten out of the Navy I've realized that I was doing something special.  Not everyone can serve their country.  Not everyone can travel all over the world, not seeing their families for months at a time.  Not everyone can go through boot camp.

I did something good.  & I also did something good by choosing to get out & serve my family.  Being able to be home with Cody & Sawyer is a huge blessing that some mothers only dream about.

But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't restless.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss putting on my uniform.  O\r if I didn't miss carrying a gun. Or feeling like I was a part of something bigger.

My Major.

I've reached a point where I'm trying to figure out where to go.  My major in school is Early Childhood Education.  I don't intend to teach young children, IF I became a teacher I'd want to teach at least junior high.  But it initially was a stepping stone to set me up to become a Librarian.

Unfortunately, I can't wrap my mind around it.  I keep going back to Criminal Justice.  I think after all those years as a cop it has become part of me.

The problem with it is that I would more than likely have to work shift work, which doesn't work with Tony's schedule or the kids.

I'm so torn.